Maybe We're All in Glass Houses

Run Away From the Bed-partner Chasers

2012-01-23T12:20:00.000-08:00

"We’ve got to start believing in love again. Not fairytale love, where you choose a poor partner and get him to go from cockroach to frog to prince, after you triumph over a few adversities, but love of the healthy kind. The kind that starts with you. We’ve got to believe in love by breaking away from the familiarity that a lot of these men and the poor relationships bring and getting uncomfortable with the unfamiliarity of healthier options. Get uncomfortable and pull yourself out of your comfort zone and start truly embracing the possibility of love and a healthy relationship by letting go of the illusion of that one unavailable man and start embracing you." -NML

Some Resolution Soon

2012-01-17T06:55:00.000-08:00

I'm continuously unsure about my future. Ever since graduation I've been doing this thing called "Living Day by Day." I've heard of it but never really understood how it worked. Prior to this point I always looked to the future. From whens the next test or project or homework assignment to this many days, weeks, months, semesters, until graduation. I was always looking ahead. There were times when i made myself slow down though. I'd go for walks around the city or in the park. I'd sit and listen to music all day. Rainy days especially because they forced me to stay inside. Rain drops would tap my window as if they were a part of the beats and strings and bass and vocals of whatever slow song just happened to be playing. But in living day by day I feel as though I experience everything a lot more slowly. Uncertainty is now something more tangible in the way you can feel a headache or the floor beneath your feet. Its always there. But I keep moving forward because I have to. I don't know how to embrace uncertainty yet. How to be okay with not knowing and still feeling good about life. With things like financial and career obligations, i think that its difficult. There is always something to deal with or worry about that keeps me from truly relaxing. But I think that's a place where we're all trying to get to. One of low stress and high enjoyment.

Pain and suffering and fear do not bring on happiness so by default they'd be things to avoid in my opinion. But remaining comfortable is apparently a bad thing to some people. They preach to us that we should be diving headfirst into situations where we we feel shaky and scared and unsure because on the other side of that is apparently understanding and truth. But that's only if you come out of it unshaken, confident, and sure about yourself. We sometimes forget that the reason people stay in the safe-zone is because we seem to have a very 'Doomsday' mentality where one screw up and the rest is history. There isn't always a safety net to catch you when you do fall. We don't have reset buttons.

So as i move through this part of my life i understand that it's only temporary. Something will give and things will change again. And by change, i mean get better. That's what everyone means when they want things to "change." So why not be more specific about it? I want things to get better. And going with the flow as I've been doing now has brought on a lot of self-reflection. Something Ive told myself to look at as an investment down the line. But in ruminating within myself I don't think its helping me move forward. Action has to take place and a very substantial amount of it for things to get better. I have to keep reminding myself that perhaps this is all in preparation for something worthwhile. Isn't all of this pain and misery and bouts of "omg, whats going to happen next?" suppose to ready me for the life that I will be happy with? I will be more appreciative of my new and improved circumstances because I've experienced the worst of things? We're suppose to look at that family who went from something to nothing and tell them that they're life is a lot better now that they've lost everything and forced to change their perspective. We have to look her, who's going through painful divorce from her cheating spouses and remind her that the moral of the story is that she is now moving closer to being with the person of her dreams who actually wasn't who she thought it was. Said person of your dreams is out there, just gotta learn the lessons from this life that was unfairly snatched from you and use it in the future. To the kid stricken with cancer who spends their life in the hospital going through painful surgeries or chemo or medication, we tap him on the shoulder tell them that all of this is going to prepare them for the future and make them stronger as people and will benefit them in the long run. To the women who lost her children in a fire, we pull her to the side and tell her it's all for the best and she will move on from this and learn something and it was all part of a master plan that will lead to her eternal happiness. Right?

It's all about how you look at it. Perspective and glasses with liquid and pessimism and realism and optimism and other words we've made up to explain points of view. How much of it is embracing reality versus standing waist deep in denial? Do things have to suck for a while, then get worse before they (or in order for them to) get better? Do they get better 100% of the time? I think I've asked these questions before.

Dive in Big

2012-01-10T05:35:00.000-08:00

"The Outrageous Principle: When someone takes a chance and asks or does the most ridiculous thing to test to see what they can get away with.They use your reaction to their behaviour to deduce whether you’re the type of person that they can get away with flouting the boundaries. Even if they have lured you into believing that there are no repercussions for going along with their action, some of them will make a judgement about you and use this to not only write you off as a serious prospect for a relationship, but to also give themselves carte blanche to mistreat you.

One of the most widespread examples of The Outrageous Principle is when guys push for sexual activity within the first few dates and then, after ‘hitting it’, deduce that you’re too ‘easy’ and not wifey material. We can often be indignant that they’ve even pushed the issue in the first place, wondering what it is about us that let them think they could ask us about having sex or even feeling us up not realizing that it’s not about us per se; they’re just getting the measure of us and working out how much we respect ourselves. Some have found themselves going against their instincts and going along for the proverbial ride because they get drawn in by the perceived attraction and connection.The worst offenders of this, are the ones that pursue you, drop all the lines on you, badger you for sex and fake a future with you, pretending that you’re both on the same page and how you’re going to move forward into a mutually pleasurable relationship, only for them to go cold on you or gradually withdraw." -NML

My Horse Had Worked The Fields Too Long

2012-01-02T05:16:00.000-08:00

"Why are you being so mean to me?" he ask. Half serious. Half wanting to know. It's like I'm dating the same guys over and over again. I wasn't really engaged in conversation or giggling or flirting or trying to impress him. "No. More. Couch. Dates." read the ticker across my mind's marquee. Why does this keep happening to me? He asked if he was my type. Well, you're the type who's attracted to me. He felt offended that i was 'settling' with him since he isn't really my type. You shouldn't have asked the question. He was high yellow, like the color of my palm. Slightly taller. Facial hair. Not outta shape but no abs in sight. A little cocky. A little more insecure. I asked who his celebrity crush was. He didn't have one. "Who's yours?" Tyson Beckford. "Isn't he like 40?" Does that mean he isnt still fine? He wouldn't tell me what his occupation was. His apartment was nice but I wasn't impressed. Flat screens, end tables, and painted walls. You could tell a man who dates men lives here. I appreciated his curtains being floor to ceiling though, it draws the eye up to make the walls seem higher (interior decorator tip). He wanted to cuddle, because they always seem to, and i complied because... i mean... he wasn't going to let up if i stayed opposite to him on his couch. So as we laid there and watched what he wanted to, I wondered how long i was going to stay. "I'll be here until 12, and then i have to go." He asked if i wanted to sleep over. No, that's okay.

I could feel his want increasing as the clocked ticked down. I was laying on his stomach while he sat up, sprawled out, comfortable, his hand on my ass. "Its soft, i like it." I could see his penis moving in his sweat pants. They always seem to be detached from the rest of the body to me. Like its another entity with a mind and needs. "Its nice having someone so attractive laying with me." Of course you think I'm attractive, they always do. I flashed back to this other guy i slept with who asked me the same thing: "Why are you being so mean to me?" He was 35, football player build, naked, standing at the foot of his bed. Penis in hand, stroking rhythmically and lips pouting. I was laying on his all white sheets thinking: "Why does he sound like a 10 year old? What am i doing here?" Its like they all follow the same script. We had trivial conversation about my goals and where I'm headed to next. He cited how hes being consistent with his text messaging because consistency is something I told him i liked. But it sounded like he was expecting a reward like: "See! I'm doing what you asked me to do! Now put your mouth on it!" I acknowledged his consistency because that's what they like: acknowledgement of their good behavior. He said that he texts me all the time because he thinks about me during his days. I didn't believe it.

He turned the lights off and used his iPad to turn the music on from some speaker system i couldn't pinpoint. Jill Scott played as we sat there in total darkness. He slid his hand past my face, underneath his drawstring, and around his penis. He played with it as he put his chin to the top of my head. I hoped he wouldn't ask for something sexual. Something that he would only get enjoyment out of. I do this to myself i realized. I was the one who agreed to go over his place and sit on his sofa after 10 pm because I get off late and wanted to compromise. I was the one who entertained conversation for that week prior to meeting for the first time. I was the one who responded to his messages. This was all my doing. Had i expressed that I'd like to meet somewhere public first i doubt we'd even have met at all. Some excuses would have been made and the text messages would have become less frequent. My good judy said its odd that I'm having this experience. That he has little trouble getting guys to take him on dates up here. "This is new." He's also a slut, so I'm not sure I believe that. But this yet another disappointing dating venture. I guess I'll only go on dates on my off days which are few and never weekends. When everyone is off I'm usually at work.

"Its 11:55, ive got 5 minutes." I turned the screen of my phone off. "You can go now if you want." I got that message loud and clear! I shot up and put on my sweater and shoes. "Where are my keys?" He sat there disappointed. He got up and extended his arms out. I stood there and didn't walk towards him for a hug. He walked over and wrapped his arms around me. "Enjoy your evening." The light in the hallway was really bright. "Text me to let me know when you get home." "Okay" I said. I didn't, of course.

This morning the text message i sent out read: "I could feel the expectation for something sexual to happen last night. I was turned off by the whole thing." I guess i wanted to clear the air. He wrote back: "Umm i wasnt looking for anything sexual at all... no idea where u got that. I wasn't even horny." ...yeah, right... i thought. "I guess it must have been the movement of your penis in your pants or when you put your hands down there that threw me off." Why am i still texting him? What am i getting out of this? He's never going to admit his real intentions lest he painted like some sex hungry animal. And men, I'm realizing, don't like that. Don't want to be accused of dating sluts or that sex is the only thing they think about when they're next to you. Don't want to look like "the bad guy" even with the Joker-Why-So-Serious? mask on and all the signs are pointing to the dark side. Their dark side.

"I was just holding myself watching tv... its what men do..."

Bite the Bait

2011-12-27T09:55:00.000-08:00

"Be very careful of the games that you play in dating like making yourself seem unattainable so that you can trigger their desire to commit. Why do you need to play games to provoke desire in a man and exactly how long are you going to play games for? How long can you sustain it? People struggle every day because of the games that people play and also because they themselves attempt to do things to provoke commitment and a reaction that are outside of their value system. They end up being unhappy, uncomfortable, and doing more damage to their sense of self. You can manipulate a man into chasing after you (intermittently), but you can’t manipulate him into love. The books about staying unavailable in order to keep a man around should be renamed “How to Drag Out A Halfhearted Relationship Beyond its Sell-by Date” and “Act like Someone You’re Not To Get A Man To Marry You So You Can Divorce Him Two Years Later Because You Realize He Isn’t All That”." -NML

Tend To Go Nowhere

2011-12-19T21:42:00.000-08:00

Fantasy relationships are the best because you can't really suck at them. You get all of the good stuff without any of the anxiety. He calls when you want him to call down to the millisecond. He brings flowers the size of helmets and clowns floating by string, balloon-like, that kick and dance and smile noiseless. I make up these very large, episodic pieces and they usually do not have endings. The love interests in these fantasies are never men I'm dating. I guess i don't have to fantasize about the real thing. They're always men who are out of my reach. Or who I perceive as beyond my finger tips anyway. They change as my environment changes and the men I crush on move revolving-door, in and out. Mostly out. But while they're there, they are protagonist significant and intense. Him, the new replacement in my current fantasy saga. He's started out different. I knew I thought of him fireman-calendar lust. But I didn't know i had a crush on him until my subconscious painted its own portrait. From what i remember in the dream i had, which is different from fantasies for which i have control, i was motionless. I felt him slide the back of his fingers down my cheek but the feeling was real. It didn't exist inside the dream. Perhaps in his own sleep that night the connection was so strong that it became real. He stood behind me, 6-foot something, and i could feel his stomach and chest on my back. He was breathing. His neck slithered serpent like to bring his head to my cheek and i felt his lips graze the same spot his fingers did. I was still facing forward. A white door closing slowly, shutting out the dark world on the other side full of faces watching him, watching me, watching us. Sticking closer together trying to get the whole story. I haven't felt this deeply for a guy who doesn't know he belongs to me in a while.

I'll be cruising down not-so-busy suburban streets and ...Fade in... I'm back in my fantasy. In this one I'm the President's step-son. Rebellious. I refused to be the picture perfect duo the country wants to see. No father/son moments with shared smiles and matching outfits. We never got along growing up and I moved out of their house and into his place when I was younger. I gave away opportunities to poor young boys from inner cities to pose with him in magazines where my likeness was to be. "That's not who I am." We existed in his 11th floor apartment that he paid for himself. Drugs, or guns, or something illegal he used to do prior to meeting me that i convinced him out of. We, on the other hand, photograph all Annie Levibovitz and Vanity Fair. "This is us on a relaxed day." Me, all in black trunks and wife beater, computer in lap. Him, sweat pants and Xbox Live remote controlled. We, sitting perpendicular, my legs over his lap, existing. Then comes the flash of the strobe. "This is us grocery shopping" Flash! "This is us on holiday." Flash! "This is us at the matinee" Flash! We represent a Jay/Bey idea to other colored boys who want that normal, coupled life. "You give me hope."All fan mail and E-mail and celebrity. We hold hands and ride around in his big American car because Prince Charming has power at the end of his horse. We ride around always on empty streets. There are no red lights in these fantasies. Gay groups ask us for representation in Oval offices in White Houses for equal treatment. I don't respond. Not to them. Not now. ...Fade out... My heavy metal door opens. ::Ding Ding Ding::

With a previous crush, i remember the story would always end in me catching him cheating. I'm sure there's some deep issue there about abandonment and self image that would be poked and prodded should i have said that in an office laying Freudian like on fainting chairs, legs up. ...Fade in... I'm climbing up, daddy long legs, to his 2nd story window and paint in big bloody-red letters: "I See You!" Lightning strikes and its pouring down rain but i don't get wet. Catching your man cheating never happens in sunny weather. ::Knock Knock:: and the screaming begins. Singular red ball rolls down the hallway to the base of his feet. Doors slam and lights flicker. "I HOPE HE WAS WORTH IT" I don't really go much further than that but it always moves on to him leaving messages of mistakes made and forgiveness needed. "Press 7 to delete" I don't forgive, of course. I never do. ...Fade out....

We're married in my head though. "My husband" in my thoughts. No big ceremony. We just are. I like random details about him. He stands Michael Angelo's David when he's looking downward at his phone. He walks with a subtle confidence. No one notices the person just beyond his surface the way I do. He doesn't have perfect diction and for some reason I find that charming. Things are "bed-er", "hod-er", its like this is and like "dat." His inconsistency keeps me on my toes. My aloofness keeps things light. Its a shame we don't really talk with the frequency you'd think friends would. Not sure if we ever will. These things, of course, fade away in my fantasies. He doesn't really say more than a few perfect sentences and he's always present. What I do take with me from this reality and into my world is the looks he gives me. It's always the same. Chin down, eyes up and to the left or right depending on my point in space. The excitement I recognize when I come into view. Pupils dilated. I don't think he knows that I know. Not sure if he ever will.

I stand shivering on the platform ...Fade in... We're walking on empty streets. Andain sings siren song through earphones as the backdrop of this fairytale. "Got up early, found something’s missing..." Its dark and the street lamps shine down in perfect yellow circles. "...my only name." I run ahead and up onto one of the lamp post. I swing around one arm out, feet attached to the base, in circles. "No one else sees, but I got stuck..." He runs up, "Hey!" I smile, Wonderland Cheshire Cat, and back flip onto the curb. "...and soon forever came." "Where are you going?" He chases me across moonlit sandy beaches. "Stopped pushing on for just a second..." Splish-Splash as we chase through neon puddles. "...then nothing’s changed." We end up in a warehouse. "Who am I this time, where's my name?..." I'm standing in the center. "...guess it crept away." Drip sounds echo through us because warehouses are always damp and dank. "Look straight ahead, there’s nothing left to see.." Windows broken and rusted metals. "...what’s done is done..." I don't know what it is with us and warehouses? We hug and lock eyes. "...this life has got its hold on me." He doesn't have a smell or a taste. "Just let it go..." He's only beautiful. And its always warm when we're together. "...what now can never be."

... Fade out...

And People Make You Nervous

2011-12-15T04:49:00.000-08:00

"You carry the world on your shoulders" she said at the intersection. "But it's true though, its not easy." You look both ways before crossing busy streets. "I acknowledge that it isn't easy but you can't take on everyone else's problems as your own. You have to think about yourself sometimes." We crossed the street into the food court near the Smithsonian. Security check points and glass ceilings. Its difficult explaining to a heterosexual fysh about what it is date in our world. You have to start off simple. "Okay, there are Alpha males and Beta males." That's the easy part. They imagine gender roles and anal sex. But its gets difficult when explaining how the dynamics of how dating works and what the preferences are. "There's a prominent preference for lighter skin. There are days when I think I'm cute but I don't think I'm cute 'enough'." Cute enough is toned of body and tattoos cascading. Cute enough has Burberry skin and alpine cheek bones. "So what does that matter to you? You aren't trying to date everyone. All you need is one." As someone of fairer skin she's benefited from its privileges yet understands she has it. I recognized where she was coming from. I don't necessarily have to date everyone, but finding that proverbial "one" wouldn't be as difficult should my genetics have been arranged differently. "Do you have trouble getting guys? You're attractive. You can get guys." But that isn't enough. Not to me. "You talk about dating like its this dismal experience. You've gone on dates before." I told her that it's less about me and more about the collective. I may have an easier time dating but that isn't true for everyone. Its tough dating as black gay men because it comes with so many factors. Not just in personal preferences but it the dynamics of it. You often aren't masculine or feminine or tall or short or thick or thin or cute or fine or easy enough. We often don't approach in public places or at all for that matter. There isn't much "Hello, my name is and i just wanted to say..." Not unless it involves an illuminated screen. There are so many of us who have never experienced what it is to go on a real date. Lit candles, background conversation, and uncomfortable silences. Who don't know what it is to hold hands, go for lunch, walk city streets in daylight hours. "You have to stop taking on other people's problems and making them your own. I do that with black women a lot."

Do I have dating issues? Yes. Do I get turned down because of my looks? I think I do. Do I take on other people's problems and make them my own? Um, maybe? I guess I first must acknowledge my overall experience. I've been approached on the street many times. In clubs, I see the looks of interests that I ignore. Sometimes intentionally, most times its because I get uncomfortable. I get compliments and conversation online. Not from everyone, of course. I've been met with my share of ignores and no responses. But I get messaged frequently enough to expend a lot of battery usage and inbox space. Had a serious relationship and a few pseudo ones before too. Is my experience reflective of other men like myself? In some aspects, I'd like to think so. The part that concerns me most is the lack of actually getting together to form unions and not just the one's printed on government paper. I message guys on phone apps and ask them things we're all sort of thinking. "Wait until Love finds [me]" was the most popular response. The common theme from what people's experience has been like on this particular mobile app was one of neutrality. Some of it good. "Met some cool people." Some of it bad. "Why are you on the hoebox?" But it shouldn't have to be like this. I don't believe it has to be. For me, the lack of 35+ couples doesn't lend itself to much hope for the rest of us. "But we as a collective are believing less in love, not just gay black men. Its a generational thing" said my managerial fysh the other evening. To me, if there wasn't plethora of emotionally unavailable, sex focused, commitment-phobic, and essentially broken men out there... there wouldn't be cause for so much concern on my part. There are so many of us who log into these apps, sexy shirtless pictures and not too much detail on profiles we assume people don't read. We log in looking for "just friendship" but make sure to add the "and maybe more" at the end. Don't want to throw out the word "relationship" too soon lest we scare "them" off with expectation.

"I just learned to focus on me and get myself together" said fellow beta male from 9.57 miles away. "It would be great to have somebody but i dont need it. Everything falls into place." I'm learning more about this exception-obsessed society as i get older. Focusing off of the 99% and placing ourselves in with the 1% remaining. If it isn't happening to you, or your friends, or anyone around you... why are you electing yourself as the exception? As the anomaly? I blame television. We've been taught to believe that getting ourselves together means obtaining material things. Accumulation of "stuff" means you've "arrived." "Wrong, your not successful yet like me so you need to keep your game on" was what he said to me. All masculine, attractive, and ideal. "You'll need to clarify what success looks like to you then?" I responded. "A house, a lexus in the driveway, then you'll get a man." I couldn't blame him for thinking this way. And despite saying that, he isn't the relationship-type at all. "I only chat and fuck one time lol" So even if you have that.. House+Money+Car... it still wouldn't... =Getting him. And I'd venture to guess it doesn't equal to a lot of other men either. But we hold on to being the exception. That hopefully when we become established, relationships will come knocking. Mr. Right will be there waiting outside the door when the figures reach six and the deed is signed. That despite all of the successful gay black men who are and continue to be alone trolling the same locations we, who are not these things, are... that that will not be OUR reality. OUR story will have a fairytale ending and wrap up neatly, bows tied and corners pointed. I just don't believe that to be true. Not, really. It doesn't occur nearly enough for you to place yourself in that category. You are the 99%. The equation seems to look more like: You+Nice Body+Interaction with Men+ Confidence+ Boundaries+ Communication+ Values+ Healthy Dating Habits= A Greater Likelihood of Finding Long Lasting Love and Companionship. But Cinderella only had until midnight so there wasn't enough time to tell that story.

I realized now that my goal is to work towards get us out of that frame of mind. How will I do that? First, by changing the culture around the way interact with each other. I'd like to make just meeting other men fun and less of a drag. Get us off the internet and into spaces where we can use our better judgement and the instincts passed down to us through evolution that read body language and tone of voice. One idea would be to make meeting men into a game. Wrists bands will be given out to help people better differentiate Alpha vs. Beta males in the room. You're given the task of finding multiples with something in common with what you have or think or were given. Who ever finds their matches quickest is given a prize of sorts; 1st, 2nd, 3rd. The point being to force those in the room to move away from the one's they came in with and into the personal spaces of those they did not. Once the activity is completed, music on and alcohol available, and you're free to do what you want with the rest of your night. But the point being you've now broken the ice. You've met multiple would-be love interests who you have something in common with and now, if you'd like, can go up to them and continue conversation. You can seek out the ones you wished you'd interact with and now have an opening. There would be less anxiety around approaching someone. You'd no longer have to hope your laser vision from across the room catches his attention. You don't have to come up with something on the spot to try and be interesting because you already have something to talk about. "Wasn't that fun?" "How well did you do?" "I didn't find anyone, how about you?" It'll be a different activity each time but the overall premise would be the same. If the problem is that we're all afraid of rejection, make it so that the first step... just saying something to someone... is forced on the collective. There are plenty of details to work out of course. A lot of trial and error. Determining how to get certain groups to come to make the crowd more interesting and diverse. "How do you get the trade to come to an event?" I asked my good judy. "Beside guaranteed ass? Sports." We laughed about it, partly joking but mostly serious.

Maybe that's what it takes to change a part of the world? To believe that you are part of it and its problems as opposed to thinking you will be granted immunity somehow. Sure, I may have an easier time meeting men but I still share in the struggle to find love. Something I believe in. Something I believe can be had by all if we'd stop believing its only afforded to the exceptions or to the lucky or at random... and starting actively doing something about it. Nobody wants to be alone forever... Nobody. I do have an idea though... and I think its a good one.

Wait a Minute

2011-12-09T06:55:00.000-08:00

"The Patience Model is idea that you have to wait for some man to choose you... and that it's wrong for you to secretly choose who you want, and then subtly lead him into chasing eagerly after you. Waiting for “Mr. Right" often means winding Up with “Mr. Barely Adequate.” The Patience Model tends to leave you with a very limited range of choices: basically, only those offered directly to you. That is, with this model, your only real shot is with men who, seeing you wait around and therefore pumped up with a temporary shot of “I-guess-they-don't-have-any-other-options” courage, decide to approach you. Typically, these men will be of approximately your level of attractiveness or often, much lower. Basically, with the Patience Model, you are lined up with all the other men in the room, competing with other men on the basis of who looks attractive and most available. And you're competing for men who you might not really want to be chosen by in the first place.

Of course, if a you are prepared to settle for whatever luck brings your way, then the Patience Model is fine; but the more that you want a truly high-quality man, one who can satisfy you for the long-term, the more that you'll need to bring awareness and intent and conscious choice to bear. If You Want to Attract Men, QUALITY Men, You Must Take Action. The more choice you want, the more you need to give yourself permission to notice the world around you, and the more you must be willing to give yourself permission to take subtle but effective action. Remember: A person who keeps themselves from really understanding men's energies, increases the odds of being seduced by her own loneliness into either relationships that are wrong for them, or into despair or even bitterness. Understanding men and what attracts them, on the other hand, opens doorways that would remain otherwise hidden; doorways into love, connection, and lasting emotional fulfillment.”

400 Girls in the Room

2011-12-02T05:55:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in gray areas. I used to. Perhaps certain things did fall in the middle somewhere and nowhere. But that changed the moment i took life into my own hands. When it comes to friendships it was either you're my friend or you're not. When it comes to men either you're with me or in the process, or you're not. And so far its kept me out of anxiety-ridden, cancer causing, feelings of "I dunno but i wish i did." But recently, i wondered if I've gone back on that? With my current man-situation, its painting me shades of unsure. I don't really know where I stand with him. I just know where I'd like to. I think he likes me? Well I'm a bit more sure than that. Our interaction tells me there's something there. Something invisible. Something tangible. Like loose threads of spider webs on bare skin. I can feel it even if I can't pinpoint where it is exactly. And i believe in my instincts. But then expectation continues to bang on the door demanding answers and I can't give them. "GoWithTheFlow" is standing next to me, tugging on my shirt, asking me to go with him through the portal of "LetTimePass" and into the land where they keep expectations locked in cages. A place I'd like see but I can't really wrap my head around. How do things move forward towards what you want without you ushering them along, arms out and palms ready?

Life has been pretty... I dunno.. interesting as of recent. I'm still in this transitioning period between school and the rest of my life. For a long time i was on automatic. Simply doing things because i was told to do them. School, grades, degree, job. But i never really thought about what i wanted to be. I had an idea at one point but that quickly went away when i realized there was a bigger world out there. I know its cliche but I'm definitely in the midst of finding myself. I never thought I'd be one of "those" people. The ones who go out exploring the unknown seeking boundaries and outlines to place themselves in. They never realized they were nothing more than a nebulous cloud of things that were told to them. I'm learning now that material wealth isn't what I'm after. That was my step-mom talking. I want to discover what my real passion is. What kind of person do I want to be. I want a better grasp on the instinctual part of me that feeds my judgement. If someone were to ask what my hobbies are I wouldn't have a substantive answer. I wondered if its important that I do? Glossing over all of this with a simple "it'll get better" or "there's a plan for you out there" doesn't erase the collapsed feeling under my skin or the sinking feeling right under my belly button. I'm not really creative, that gene went to my younger sister. But I'm good at reading people and signs and making connections. There must be something positive out there that would allow me to use these traits that come to easily. Something worthwhile. Something I want to be.

The people I consider to be on a much higher mental plain than the rest of us have continuously told me its okay that I haven't found what that spark is yet. And i don't question them because they are the club of the lucky few who have a firm grasp on their inner person. Not the pretend one everyone moves into after the hour of "my body is suddenly foreign to me" and just before the second of "I'll never be the same after this." They tell me that everyone goes through this period of shoulder shrugs, sad faces, and deep sighs. And that's true. My friends are going through the same thing i am at the exact same point in time. Degrees still tucked away in the packaging they came in and drawing big question marks on the road in front of them. Sometimes it's nice to have some company when you're miserable and lost because at the very least it keeps you from feeling like you're crazy. A feeling we often forget... is just a feeling.

Plummet

2011-11-24T11:40:00.000-08:00

"Your ability to cope with and process rejection is tied to your self-esteem because how rejected you feel and the effect it has on your perception of you, is intrinsically tied into your ability to love yourself. Rejection, like breaking up, is never going to be easy. But it’s safe to say that when you have higher self-esteem and love yourself unconditionally, rejection has far less of an impact on you. You will struggle to deal with the rejection if you continue to internalize what has happened, turning it inward, and letting it further erode what you believe about yourself, love, and relationships." -NML

Shared Expressions, Voiceless.

2011-11-17T05:55:00.000-08:00

There's a friendship I ended that sometimes I wonder if I really should have. It started simple enough. Being in the same situation together and finding some commonality (yeah, i grew up on jerk chicken and heavy accents too). I remember I was having one of my moments where i don't talk to anyone for a few days. I don't know why I do it but I do. Ring tones get put on silent and texts will get looked at... thought about... thought about... before the phone goes back on the desk. He knocked on my door. I think it was open because i don't recall getting up to answer it. "I haven't seen you in a while, I wanted to check on you." It caught me off guard that it meant so much to me to have someone go out of their way to see if i was still breathing. I looked a him different after that. He was an alpha male. And with any friendship with one I wondered if we could possibly be together? Would we match? I never pursued it. He began dating the boys on campus. His boyfriend hated me. Assumed I was trying to steal him away despite him never really being his to begin with. Saw me as a threat and i ignored her presence. We were still close. Talked about life and boys and school and friends and childhood. Afternoons spent in dorm rooms with histories of other boys doing the same things we did. Sunset lights shone through fourth floor windows because the room he shared faced west. It always felt still in those 4 walls. I sat on his bed most of the time. Faded black comforter and single pillow. I'd watch him iron his clothes before class wondering if this was a Brooklyn thing. He was really neat and academically focused. I wondered what he thought of me?

Summer spent texting daily about the goings on in our daily. He was still with the boyfriend but i don't think things were going well. They broke up and he went on more and more dates with boys I knew he'd never be with. I forgot then that alpha males were whores. Fellatio in movie theaters and sex with boys he didn't find attractive. I began noticing a sort of selfishness. Something was off. School started back and he was back with the boyfriend who he now shared a suite with. Only this time, i began to notice all the bad stuff. What do you mean you went to another boy's room after the two of you had a fight? He saw you walk across the courtyard on your way over there? That's terrible. You didn't care? I don't like your boyfriend as a person but... even I know that's not okay. Oh, you don't care. We went about our lives a bit more separately this time around. His "self" became a little more "centered." He started talking to boys who were a closer to me. Degrees of separations only had one dash between them. I guess the community is that small that its inevitable. Then something happened. He went behind my back and started talking to one of my roommates. We went to a club that he said he couldn't make it to and then all of a sudden they were there together. How did you get here? I pretended like i hadn't already figured it out. Some round-about answer was given and eyebrows were raised. Hmm...

A rift came between me and the roommate too. I was accused of having no reason to be mad about it. But I was. Not necessarily because I was jealous although I'm sure that's what they thought. It was more so because they didn't say anything. Kept it a secret. It was about being shady and deceptive. Its a statement to who you are as a person in the book of my life. Did they have to tell me that they were now seeing each other? As far as friendship goes, I say yes. So there are no surprises. No need to keep secrets from someone you trust right? Maybe they didn't. He tried to make amends by coming over out of the blue. Sat in my room as i explained how i felt. He didn't understand of course. They never do. And then the front door closed... and so did another one. His ears perked up. "I'm gunna go... see your friend now." He can't be serious? I thought. No really, he's definitely not walking out of my room... down the hall... to the other room. Did my feelings not matter? Was he only here talking to me... to kill time before he came home? But there he went. Met with enthusiasm and open arms. I walked out of the apartment and took a walk. Why is this getting to me? Whats happening? Do people really do that? Am I crazy? I forgot to put shoes on.

I can't say i wasn't warned about him. Friends-with-benefits from previous posts used to talk to him. It struck me as odd that two alpha males decided to be romantically involved. Ching-ching sounds bounced off dorm room walls as i pictured them sword fighting. "We just kissed, that's it." But then again he is a whore as well. I vented to him about the whole thing. I went on and on about how my feelings didn't matter at all and the foundation i thought we laid. That he was going to really just go about doing his own this no matter who it hurt. Then it hit me mid-rant. He did that to his ex, right? Why didn't i think he'd do the same to me? Why did I think I was the exception to his rule? I realized at that moment that he wasn't worth knowing anymore. I thought about all the negative things he'd done. The selfishness and bad mouthing. The total disregard for other people's feelings. Even his own boyfriend at the time wasn't out of bounds for his bad behavior. She out up with it though. I didn't pay attention to it before. Focused on the person he used to be and figured that person was in there somewhere. Loyal and empathetic. But he wasn't. Not anymore. He walked over to where i was sitting during feeding time and was ignored. "You must be feeling some type of way" he said smugly. Later, on social media, i said I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Friendship expired. And we haven't spoken since.

I wondered if i was being irrational and not putting myself in his shoes? He is a young male getting to know himself and exploring, right? But I don't remember ever feeling "good" when i was around the person who came back that summer. I paid attention as he slowly began losing the friends he'd originally started with and moved on the the younger students. No doubt sleeping with most of them. It says a lot to me when people can't keep friends. That maybe they saw it too. True colors that can't be found on rainbows or Home Depot swatches. There would be an awkwardness on his part whenever we'd be together with our mutual friends though. He'd stand off to the side with this look like he didn't know what to say. Wondering if I'd ever speak first... or at all. My body language would never indicate that i recognized his existence. I'd pass him like he was just another person. Walking in front of him without glancing back to see who was there the way people do when someone they may know could be around. As if we never slept on the same bed. As if we'd never told intimate secrets and coming of age stories. Was I being extra about it? Should i have reached out years later and made a peace offering? Starting back over and filling each other in on what we missed because he could potentially have morphed into someone else? Someone who could put his emotions before his penis? Who cared about other people and recognized the consequences of his actions? That's what some people do when enough time passes.

Too bad I'm not some people.

The Stubborn Pair

2011-11-11T08:47:00.000-08:00

"In the modern day fairy tale, we ‘princesses’ are choosing poor relationship candidates and hoping that they make us the exception and change their ways, effectively turning into a prince, so that we can live happily ever after.In the fairy tale, we’re battling evil and drama with the them by trying to love him into being a decent person and seeing something that he either doesn't know that he possesses or is absent but desired by us.

Miraculously, he’ll have an epiphany, a lobotomy, a mid life crisis, or The Ghost of Relationship Past will pay him a visit in the night and scare the crap out of him, and poof, he’ll come crawling on his hands and knees, begging forgiveness, professing to be a changed man, and whisk us on to his white horse and ride off into the sunset. All of the pain to get there will be forgotten and we can clasp our hands together tightly and say ‘Praise be! He must be a true prince, because he changed his ways just for me. None of those other princesses could get him to do this’" -NML

Don’t Reach

2011-10-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

"Online dating is an option for meeting people but not your only option. Getting out there and meeting people like they used to do in ‘olden times’ i.e pre-internet is still the most effective way. If you are going to date online, you need the thick skin of a rhino, good detective skills, and a willingness and ability not to let your imagination run wild. Dating requires resilience. You are worth it. It’s not easy out there today and too many people seem to think they have too much choice causing them to behave like everyone is dispensable. Nonetheless you have to keep the faith even though some days, weeks, or even months will be more wearying than others." -NML

It’s Like Chasing Clouds

2011-10-20T03:54:00.000-07:00

I think it started in high school.

It was my junior year in Driver's Ed. class. I remember he was Colombian with olive skin and a cute smile. I remember saying to myself, "I'm gunna get him." And i did. Sort of. We had class together and i managed to get to know him. Coincidentally (or maybe it was fate) he ended up joining the gym i was at. Eventually we began working out together sporadically and I'd get rides home from school. Numbers were exchanged but i don't think i ever texted him. I remember his Honda smelled AMAZING for some reason. Like fresh linen doused in air freshener. I'd see him around the hallways and he'd flash me a huge smile and make some silly remark. "Sexy Chocolate" was his name for me and I'd giggle and shake my head because that's what you're suppose to do. I remember the day we were standing a distance from each other after school. Both of us in the midst of our respective group of friends. We locked eyes and smiled. He then pointed at himself, then make heart with his sepia thumbs and index fingers, and then pointed at me. Did that just happen? I remember thinking. I had to lean up against the pillar to keep from melting onto the floor. I knew all my hard work had payed off and I finally "got him."

It was sophomore year of college and the finest boy in school decided to switch his major and walk into my class and sit next to me. He then walked into my second class of the day and i knew this wasn't by accident. I told myself "I'm gunna get him." And i did. Sort of. I'd watch him as he'd look around to find a pen he didn't have. I'd swoop in with one ready. "Thanks, man." I'd pat myself on the back for a job well done (great timing). Eventually we moved up to sharing books and answers. His southern accident heavy and tats all over his bagel colored body. His car has big chrome rims on it and limo tints. I could spot it from a mile away. I'd see him around campus but i wouldn't always say hi. I didn't wanna come off too eager. Too forward. But i knew if i wanted to call him over, ask him whatever, i could. Years passed and we became closer. I always felt as though he thought i was smarter than i was. More successful than i was. He'd make remarks and I'd laugh them off like "no, that's not true." I took him home once or twice and i thought about all the girl who wish he was in their passenger seat. Listening to their music. Elbows on rests of something that could have been a regular thing. He fit perfectly into the grey leather seat as i pictured us on road trips and snack runs. I inhaled his sweaty scent deeply after his games of basketball on courts i never ventured to. I loved the way my name sounded on his chicken fried and blue grass stained tongue.

The common thread in all of these is that they were all straight. There may have been others as well that i may not recall as vividly as these. Men whom for one reason or another occupied a lot of my thinking place. Corteses ridden with details and facts about their lives that won't have any practical use. I wondered if they thought about me? I wanted them to. I don't know why it is but guys i really like tend to be straight. The last one came as a complete surprise when i found out. The signals were all there. I got nervous that maybe i was seeing things. Making things up. I waited for him to make a move. Opportunities presented themselves. But I told myself that he maybe shy. Holding back. Not really sure what i thought about him. Until the day he said those two words: "my girlfriend" and i had to check myself back into reality, key card in hand to the ground floor of familiar feelings. "Of course" i thought, half to myself and half out loud. There is always a catch. I'm noticing I'm falling into a pattern. For one reason or another i fall for men i can't seem to have. I can get close enough to touch them but they're always out of reach. I don't believe these are men with fluid sexuality. Who I may very well have a chance with as they explore that side of themselves. No. These are challenges i took upon myself with goals I can't achieve. Well, not completely anyway. I should feel good for being able to get close to them. Grateful that they'd talk to me, give me their contact information, and divulge their thoughts to me. I should be happy that i had the privilege to call them "friend" but I'm not. Not when that's all they'll ever be.

I think it started in high school.

Unhappy to Boot

2011-10-14T05:51:00.000-07:00

"If the only way that you can be with him is to throw away your boundaries and your values so that you can exist on his terms...

If being with this man means that you can’t love you and treat yourself with due care, love, trust, and respect..

If you have to pretend that he’s more wonderful, interesting etc than he actually is, in fact, if you have to pretend full stop...

If you want to be with him and he doesn’t want to be with you, or wants to be with you and other people too...

If you’re the one doing a sales pitch on yourself constantly, trying to convince him that he should be with you, that your love/relationship is where he should be at...

If you spend more time being miserable and trying to get him to be what you want rather than living and enjoying your life...

If you have to sell yourself short so that his ego can get a good stroking...

If your core values don’t stack up and you value different things...

...you really aren’t compatible." -NML

He Needs Someone To Put This Weight On

2011-10-06T05:22:00.000-07:00

"Stand up, lemme see you."

I remember his apartment was dark and some game was on his television (Or maybe it was an ESPN recap?). He was my very first one-night stand that turned into a-few-night stands. He had this very nice apartment near the Fox theatre in mid-town. I remember driving down Peach Tree to pick him up because he just left some bar. We made it to his apartment and we were about to have sex. He told me to take my clothes off so he could feel me. I don't remember how the conversation came up but he wanted to critique my body... naked.

"There's a lot you could do with your body. You just have to work out more."

I don't remember what my reaction was. Or if I had a reaction at all. But thinking back I know it had an effect on me. I mean, he thought i was sexy and wanted to sleep with and spend time with me repeatedly. So it couldn't be all bad, right? Plus there are plenty of other guys who find me attractive (or worthy enough to be slept with at least) and didn't have a problem with the way i look. But I do sort of have this love/hate relationship with my outward appearance. I hate the way i photograph most times and have a hard time choosing photos of myself to put on facebook. I think i look better in person.

Its really more about my body than anything else. I love and hate my thighs at the same time. I don't have those fit/toned legs where the muscles bulge out from the sides. They're kind of just... soft. I can tap my legs and still see fat/muscle/skin jiggle for a second or so after. I have an ass that protrudes out the back. Men who I've hugged or cuddled with my put their hand(s) IMMEDIATELY on it and comment on how big it is. Damn shawty! I like the way i look in short trunks/boxer briefs and walk around the house often in the way i assume fysh walk around in their Victoria's Secret bras and panties. But there are times when i stand in front of the mirror, turn around, and not like what I see. "Its not THAT big" i tell myself cupping one cheek in my hands. I don't like the way i look from the back. I look wider than what i think i should. My waist, size 31, should be more narrow. I feel i need a bigger back to complete the triangle shape we've come to think of as ideal. I don't have that arch in my lower back either. The one that boys put emphasis on when they take pictures laying on their stomach. That isn't something i can work on though. Spend weeks in the gym trying to change. It's just not how my body was made.

My stomach is the main thing i wrestle with (who doesnt?). I don't have abs and cant remember if i ever have. My stomach sticks out just a little. You can pinch-and-inch my parental unit would say while i tried to hold on to my self-esteem. I've always wanted that V-shape down near my pubic area. I can pull the fat in my stomach upwards and get a glimpse of what could be. I can't wear tight shirts without spending most of my time staring at it in the mirror. I used to think that's what was holding me back from being a 10 out of 10 in the looks department. I still kinda do. But as I've dated more i find that... most alpha men like it. I remember sitting on top of this one guy with my shirt was off (but i don't think we were naked?). He put his hand on my stomach and shook. "I hate my stomach" i said as i looked away. He passed his coarse, callused ridden hand over it, "Why not? I like it." There was another guy who, during our first foreplay/ flirting encounter, pulled my shirt up. "You shave your stomach? Its so smooth." He put his ear to my mid-section. "I think my baby is in there. I'm gunna get you pregnant, okay? You're going to have my babies." I giggled a little. Did this nigga just say i looked pregnant? No more Mcdonalds! On second thought... maybe just no fries for a while.

I know when guys think of sex with me, missionary is not the first position that comes to mind. They put their hands on my back and run their penises between and over my ass. They blame it on all the running i do. Tell me not lose it. "You've been given a gift." When I do make it on my back and they lay on top of me and all say the same thing: "You feel so good." Although they couldn't see it (because they were either hard at work or kissing my neck or both) I'd have this perplexed expression because I didn't really know what that meant. Was it because of my body heat? Was it because i wasn't this rock-hard entity you could bounce a dime off of? Was it because I fit perfectly between them and their mattress? I'm sort of "squishy" all over most parts of my body and I'm coming to grips with it. I'm not fat, far from it, but i still don't feel comfortable shirtless in swim trunks. I do like my chest and shoulders though. They're pretty big and i can do that thing where i can make each peck bounce. I have nice feet but my skin tone is uneven. I have scars and dark spots on my legs from shaving. I spend as much time as i can in the sun but I'm not fortunate enough to remain as dark as I want to be for long periods of time. "You're not dark skin" my cousin turned to me and said, "you're just me, with a tan."And he was right though. In the winter time i get lighter and go back to my original color. I usually avoid my reflection.

But that night, it didn't matter what improvements I could have made to myself. He didn't ask me to do push ups or starve myself before coming over. He watched me undress, followed me into his bedroom, and lived out what ever thoughts he had about me. The guys in the past have never stopped while i undressed and changed their mind. Have never handed me an application for a gym membership or wrote lists of their demands of me and my looks. They've all called me "sexy" and each had something that made them erect. But I still have thing's I'd like to change about myself. I know we all do. We sing songs about self-acceptance and our insides. That looks don't matter if the person really likes you or if you really like yourself. But these same people still undress before getting into the shower and stand in front of their toothpaste splattered mirrors. Pushing fat here. Wishing there was more over there. Running their hands across their faces hoping bones could shift or cartilage could shrink. Going over every part of their body... trying to find something to love.

Less Than Manner

2011-09-26T20:34:00.001-07:00

"When you’re with someone who treats you like an inanimate object, dry humping you without thought for your sexual needs, touching you without care, riding you like a pony that they don’t care about, or using you as someone to practice their sexual dark side with, they’re telling you a lot about how they feel about you. Especially when you factor it into the context of how poorly the relationship is working or how bad you feel about yourself."- NML

Have Your Pic Open

2011-09-22T05:19:00.001-07:00

I deiced to give a4a a try again. Seeing as I've moved up here and haven't really met anyone and wanted to try something out. Time was spent figuring out a new screen name, preferably something that doesn't make me sound like i tried. Pictures were sorted though and chosen strategically. The sexier ones first and they can work their way down...1,2,3. The description in my profile probably took the longest. I didn't want to be one of those people who writes a lot about disappointments and goes down the list of what they aren't looking for. So I went in a different direction and make it really witty and funny. Maybe you've seen it?

But this entry really won't be about what I've learned in being on there for ::checks watch:: 4 days. Maybe the next one. Its really about a guy named "X." I have two profiles on there... one is me and the other is...well... not me. I know, I'm one of those terrible people who made a fake profile and is making life a lot ore difficult for the real people on there. My defense is that it's for research purposes only. He's never agreed to meet anyone anywhere or even take someone's number. Hes strictly for conversation. His pictures look like a real person uploaded them. His profile description talks about wanting to find a serious relationship and whats wrong with all of these casual situations people are getting into. He's cute but not gorgeous. His is body is nice but not cut up. His smile seems like he's really down to earth. He plays basketball and doesn't mind getting sweaty. Enjoys Xbox and Law and Order. The whole purpose of my lil informal research is to see the difference between the experience of someone who looks like an alpha male and checks "top" vs. someone like me who looks like a beta male and checks "bottom." And what a massive difference it is.

First, he gets hit up CONSTANTLY with massive amounts of messages whereas there are large period of times where people will pass by but not say anything to me. I noticed there are some really cute ones who send him messages whereas for the most part while I'm approached by the more 'undesirable elements.' He gets people wanting to get to know him on a deeper level (you seem different) but he still gets the overtly sexual messages as well (looking for a young hung stud to suck off and spoil regularly). To my surprise most of the one's who try to get his attention marked "versatile", "vers/top", or "top." There aren't as many "bottoms" throwing themselves at him at the same rate. Part of me wonders if that has to do with the fact that there are so many versatiles out there or if it's a strategic thing? In one conversation on a profile i don't remember, the person mentioned that they aren't really a vers top. It's actually a way for him to wheel guys in (And im not a vers top btw it's just for advertising purposes. Funny how these dudes respond when they see the word top on here lol). I didn't need for him to explain why because i knew exactly what he meant and was proving my hypothesis correct.

He's had exchanges back and forth with people. He asks about their dating history and what they're looking for. Most just want a steady relationship. They're holding out hope for someone like "X" to come along and change their world (I would like [a relationship] too but I def don't think it's on here. The premise is all off.). They'll settle for a casual sexual encounter for the moment of course. Should "X" give out his address the boys will be lined up outside for sure. Many have expressed to just wanting to get together. A bar or something to try and get to know each other better. An attempt to wow him with their winning personality. There are lots of invitations to come over and "420" which apparently is the standard activity for most guys to bond over. No doubt they'd smoke and chill and... maybe something sexual happens... maybe it doesn't.

I think his main appeal is his perceived masculinity. Its less about what his sexual preference is and more about what he "gives." They get the masculine, manly part first and they'll make the sexual part work later. He's a rare breed. Masculine, top, and isn't on some "sex shyt"? Maybe what you write on your profile makes a difference as well. Although not too many people read it, maybe being positive in your approach attracts people with good intention more often. That mixed in with good looks may be the best way to increase your chances of finding love? I don't think that's crazy. There are a lot more of us out there looking for a serious relationship though. At least they say they are. Even on a site that's geared towards all things casual and temporary they're still looking for a silver lining. And with so many of us on there... its a mystery to me as why are still aren't making these connections? I think people just aren't asking the right questions. Aren't getting to know whats going on beyond the surface of what's their favorite color and sexual position. Or maybe there's something else? The filter of no fats, fems, or old guys might be filtering out the majority of what's on there. But I do know now there's a population of us all out in the fields, looking through piles and piles of hay stacks... trying to find that one needle. I'd like to think there are guys on there who are just like "X." Laid back. Not taking life and that website too seriously. Masculine and boyish. Who would be willing to meet up for drinks and some getting to know. Basketball partners and shared restaurant booths. All commitment and honesty. I don't want to believe that the person I created and transferred into text might very well be a figure of my imagination and a mind game for everyone else.

I do have further proof that being a "Top" lends itself to a whole different experience. Your prospects increase exponentially. Tops, vers, and those in between are looking for an ideal type. Or maybe someone who's just like them.

Temporary Delays

2011-09-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

"The fact that you have communicated something doesn't automatically create an obligation of action.‘I’m not happy about the fact that you didn’t call me’ carries far less weight than ‘If you want to continue dating me/having a relationship with me, please call when you say you’re going to call’."- NML

Entertained Spectators

2011-09-11T07:32:00.000-07:00

The football Classic between the Howard and Spelhouse reminded me of why I chose the school I did in the first place. It's interesting to see all of the familiar faces after you graduated and moved on. Howard has way cuter boys i realized. We spent a lot of time sitting in the stands looking at the various cuties on our side. (Isn't that? Wow he lost weight.) The football game was a lot better than i expected and the best part was doing the Wave in the stands. Howard may have a better football team and band, but we definitely have the best crowd. When it came back around to us for the final time... I don't know who initiated it (I think it was our band?) but our side did the wave in ssslloooowww mmmoottttiiooonnn. Chunks of people slowly getting up out of their seats as if they were elderly. Hands raised slowly like their stretching hurt muscle groups. The crowd went crazy at the amount of cooperation displayed by Spelhouse students and alums. It solidified myself and a lot of other's in going to the game next year. It isn't really about wining or losing, it's about being a part of something and representing it. "How are you's?" and "What are you doing now's?" being traded back and forth as everyone got to see if anyone else is handling this transition into adulthood as poorly as they are. They don't really tell you that things stop going smoothly after a certain point. The game ended and we walked around and looked at the boys some more. Stopped to look at a group of Que's and pointing in which order each of them could get it. The one on the right, then the one in the blue, light skin, the one in the white shirt... aaannd the one in the hat.

Afterwards we decided to go to out because that's what you do after a big event. You go to a party. I decided it was about time i saw what the D.C. scene was like. And to my surprise... it was awful. "The Mill" is what I was told was the name of the club. For anyone who's partied in ATL, it was basically Bulldogs (crowd-wise) and 708 (venue-wise) all rolled into one. There were about 5 cuties in the entire place and a whole bunch of boy's who you'd consider "filler" (nothing special). I walked around trying to control my face. Forcing relaxed facial expressions to keep from displaying my disappointment. The usual suspects from school were there. We traded head nods, hugs, and hand shakes. "This is late" i said to one of them. "You have to go to Aqua on Friday's." I made a mental note. "Don't go to Delta though, it's worse." One fellow alum was standing near the speakers against the wall. We've been friends for a while since like many boys, he was interested in sleeping with me. He's a church girl. Wants to be a minister but not in a self-hatred, "homosexuality is wrong and I'm ashamed of myself" kind of way. I gave him a dance because i haven't danced with a guy in a while and felt like i had to let it out. I felt his erection on my thigh as I pushed back on him. I patted myself on the back for a job well done. I saw a guy I met during Atlanta Pride last year on the dance floor. Sweaty hugs and full grin. "I'm so happy to see you!" He's older, high yellow, and not cute to me. We had sporadic contact since we've met because well... I don't see it. We had a conversation over the internet prior about his failed relationship and loss of hope. "Let's go to dinner and I'll tell you all about it" he offered through text. "Okay, as long as you're treating" i said. "Of course, I wouldn't have asked you if i wasn't" he responded. Sometimes you have to make sure these things are cleared first. I don't know what that's like to go on a date and have to pay for it let alone my half of the bill. But food does taste better when it's free.

When the club let out we stood there and looked back on the night. "I told you this club was late" said the judy. "I just wanted to see what it was like to be able to say i went." But it was awful. I wondered if Atlanta spoiled me. Gave me the wrong impression what the gay club scene is like. I wondered if what that was is actually the norm everywhere else and ATL was actually the best. I hear the NYC club scene is late too. Atlanta being the mecca for all things butch queen, I understand now why people travel from all over to party there. I remember meeting a group who came from North Carolina to party on Peachtree. Hopped back in the car and drove back when the night was over. "Worth it", I bet they thought. A fellow alum who i sort of have a cordial friendship with came over to me drunk, put his arm around me and said "This was a fool."Four words that make my eyes lit up. "Omg! you thought so too?!" I was surprised because we aren't really friends and our two groups didn't exactly get along. We've worked on a few events together and seen each other all throughout the scene back during school but once you've graduated, all that animosity falls by wayside we have to look at each other like we're one in the same. Because we are now. But here he is, standing on the street with identical sentiments. "It was cute for what it was but... that was a fool. The club was like, Morehouse people.... and then... everybody else" he continued. He meant that the only people who were of any type of value... were the ones from our school. As terrible and elitist as that sounds, I had to agree. There was something... basic... about the people who were there. I asked if we should have went to a house party instead. "No, we went to one earlier, it was $8 and that crowd was late too." And I honestly believed him. We hugged "see-you-soon" because our groups run in the same social scenes when we're in different cities. I'm sure it'll be this way for years. But something in me is different and I didn't feel connected to the people in that crowded space. "My husband isn't standing in this crowd" I thought. It felt strange to want to go home more than being out in the crowd. The stares were there but i didn't reciprocate.

The D.C. locals are really different. Their taste in boys was something really foreign to me. I'm used to really pretty faces and cuter clothes. Nicer bodies and better music and meaner attitudes. I grew familiar with what's probably the best gay club scene in the nation. I can't really explain it but here prefer like, the types we'd give a pass to without blinking. Basic butch queens who's concerns range from sneakers and to phones to the cuff of their straight legged jeans and not much else. They like what would be considered "not the tea" back down south. I think expected a lot more being in the city that I am. Questioned where all the working gay professionals are. The one's written about in books I don't read. I missed ATL in that moment. Looked around at all the older butch queens standing around with us. "We will never be liked that" the judy turned to me and said. I'm sure if you looked close enough you could see the thought float in the air between us like smoke.

Phones out and screens bright we were ready to leave. It was 3:13 am according to my watch. He got on Grindr to check to see who was in the immediate area. "Oh bytch read this! He has a nice body. I think he's a girl though. Look for someone who's looking on theirs after i send this message. He said he's on the street and wants to fuck."

Then The Drop

2011-09-07T06:13:00.000-07:00

"People who expect to be heavily pursued tend to be guarded due to struggling with trust issues and fear about relationships. Unfortunately this reticence unwittingly acts as a red rag to a challenge loving bull. The Chaser thrives on uncertainty, not being in control, the unknown, proving you’re not who and what you say you are, and winning.While they might not literally think “I intend to unseat you”, this is actually the driver of their subsequent actions. Your apparent disinterest or reluctance triggers curiosity and challenge which in turn causes them to overestimate their interest and capacity for a relationship. They thrive on your aloofness and distrust.

The moment they feel in control which is normally when they sense that you’ve genuinely let your guard down and are not only reciprocating but expecting them be and do as they’ve claimed and showboated themselves to be, is the moment their desire erection wanes. Suddenly, they disappear, blow cold or lukewarm, are 'not ready', or even say that you're needy and moving too fast." -NML

In Your Wildest

2011-09-04T23:25:00.000-07:00

(I think I have a type)

Rappers who can get it:

Part of His Repertoire

2011-09-02T06:26:00.000-07:00

"What actually happens is that for whatever reason, and it isn’t always explainable, the guy feels inspired to be different and to be more than he was before. Men don’t change because you ask them to and will only stop being emotionally unavailable or an asshole when it suits and not a moment sooner. In order for a man to really fall in love he will need get in touch with his emotions and if he was emotionally unavailable and yet you were still with him, this would have been impossible. Things and people do change and it may well be that he is in a different place mentally to where he was before and this has yielded positive relationship interaction. However – some men haven’t actually changed and are just going through an extended ‘chase’ phase (where they blow their hottest) but they eventually they start to blow rather cold." -NML

She’s Been Coming to the Games With Me

2011-08-26T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not a television watcher but i will tune in when one is on. Yesterday, i saw LaLa's reality show for the first time. It showed her living in this mansion the size of a mall with her only child and nothing to do. She's married to Carmelo Anthony, who is everyone i knows' ideal type. My cousin and i were sarcastically going back and forth about how hard it must be to live in that huge house all by yourself. How tough she must have it with no worries and plenty of money to spend. She had to do little things to occupy her time or else she'd be bored to death and that sounds like a really awful way to die.

I wondered if i could live like that? While my husband is away at some basketball game, could i sit at home all day with nothing to do and still be happy? I think it would be tough... at first... but eventually I'd get used to it lol. I'd like to be one of those people who disagree with the housewife lifestyle. Who believe we should all have thriving careers outside of the home and only see each other on vacations, weekends, and from 6 to 7 a.m. and then again from 6 to 11p.m. But I don't. Maybe i should have charted a different course? Instead of going to college, having a really great experience, and subsequently trying to reach fulfillment through figuring out my career path and celebrating small victories, I should have just found myself a professional athlete and lived in his mansion while he's away only having to worry about... finding things to worry about. So i texted a judy about the whole thing...

"Did we do it wrong?"

"She was working for Mtv so she had more exposure to athletes"

"Should we have been on tv?"

"We need more exposure to athletes cause somebody's gay!!"

"At least one of ya'll!"

"Shyt, a couple!!"

We went through how to potentially go about landing ourselves a professional athlete. First we'd have to go to where they are. Allstar Weekend events, certain clubs, and perhaps other places we couldn't think of that they're likely to frequent. We'd have to make eye contact and flirt.

"But even real fysh have a problem with gettin the boys to marry them. Some of them have kids to secure themselves"

"Well they don't really do it right. They tend to chase after them as opposed to being strong and independent. Having their kid is the easy way out"

"Right, So we'd have to make them fall in love for all the right reasons"

"I think we'd have to go for the ones interested in a relationship as well. Not going for the ones who don't wanna be tied down."

"Right! But that might be hard cause with that lifestyle, you know the gays literally throw themselves at the boys."

"But how do you set yourself apart from the next hoe with head game and a fat ass? No butch queen thinks she isn't a catch"

"Idk, did Lala give it up on the first night girl? I have no idea lol"

Ill just save you the trouble of typing and acknowledge that this is the part where you throw all that stuff about just being yourself is enough. Having your own interests and things to do would will get a guy interested in you. Where your winning personality will make Mr. NFL delete everyone else in his phone and make u his #1 on speed-dial. Just keep the conversation going and he'll fall in love with you. Right. So moving on...

"Part of me thinks there are things that work better than others in most cases. Its tough for me to think i have to wait for the stars to align for it to happen."

My friends have this philosophy called B.A.A.T which stands for Beat At All Times. It means that everywhere you go, you have to look cute. Whether its to the club or the grocery store for some sugar. You must be "on" because you never know who you'll run into. I don't necessarily ascribe to it but i see its merit.

"Show a lil cake, give a lil chest, pout a lil lip girl! lol"

I laughed out loud.

"Yup, the gym is our friend" he finished.

We can only speculate what Lala did to land her NBA husband. Did she sleep with him when he wanted to or did she play hard to get? Was he drawn to her because she had her own money, career, and interests. Was it her conversation and play on words that he was so enamored by? I know her looks played a major role and i wouldn't doubt that he has a type. But what is that X-factor that sets you a part from the thousands of other groupies? Perhaps its really about just about being in the right place at the right time while the interplanetary bodies are doing their thing. Like Venus called Mercury over to talk behind Earth's back and Saturn had less items in her cart so Jupiter let her pass through in the check out line. Andromeda heard someone call her and turned to look and Polaris wondered for a second if Betelgeuse thought about her sometimes. And just as that happened, LaLa stepped into the Carmelo's Anthony's view and he realized she was "the one".

Perhaps there are steps you can take to increase your chances and work towards getting yourself a professional athlete. Like how people goal set to get their first car or apartment. Or it could all be completely random. Serendipity and Coincidence throw a themed party and name it Destiny...

or "Fate"... for short.

Down the Road

2011-08-20T06:13:00.000-07:00

"With men, when it comes to falling in love and wanting relationships, they don’t wait. If he wants you and wants you for the long haul, he isn’t going to be sitting on the fence mulling it over for years on end deciding if you’re “the one”. When men fall, they tend fall hard and fast. And they want it all, right now. And if there is any hesitation on his part and he has to spend an inordinate and indeterminate amount of time deciding...you’re not the one for him. I have yet to see a single man who wasn’t head over heels crazy in love who wasn’t willing to take the issue of commitment seriously.

If you find yourself with a man who is unsure about you and isn’t willing to take it to the next level because of his own selfish reservations, you are never going to get any more from him than what HE will deem is sufficient enough. It’ll never be about you. It will always be about him. Men who truly want to commit don’t wait, don’t lie, don’t argue, don’t procrastinate, and don’t feel threatened at the first sign of you indicating that commitment is important to you. In fact, if it’s just as important to him, he will fear losing you and he will do everything it takes to prevent that from happening.

More importantly, if you want a man who will commit, find one who is actually ready. And a man is ready to commit when he follows through with his actions and keeping his word. Anything less than that is NOTHING." -NML

Well the Masc. Part 'Bout Them

2011-08-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

There's this really popular trade who I'm Facebook friends with. And by "Facebook friends" i mean one day i added him and since then his activity pops up on my newsfeed. I learned who he was while living in ATL because he was pretty much the poster boy for all things masculine. He's well known. He's big, and tatted, and fine. He has thousands of FB friends so im pretty sure a few of you know who i'm talking about. On BGC, he had that pretty iconic picture of his (shirtless) back turned to the camera, body slightly turned, flannel pants and white walls. His parties apparently were invite only and he created a group on some other social networking site for "real niggas" only. Based on the amount of pictures he takes of himself its obvious he's a narcissist. I mean i get it, he's the trade's trade. He's the ideal type for those interested in thugs who are comfortable with themselves and their sexuality. He pretends to be interested in women but never seems to talk about his interactions with real ones. He's not about that "fag shyt" and lets people know often. He has a preference for masculine men and if i had to describe what he goes for I'd say he's a "Top Hunter." An alpha male who gets off on conquering other alpha males.

But its not really about who he is as a person or what he does on his time. It's about... how he's treated... that troubles me. He writes the same 4 letters almost everyday: "GM FB" and he's met with a bunch of responses of boys trying to get his attention. He writes about all the pokes he receives and how many friend requests he has to go through and pretends to be annoyed by them. Whenever he posts a new picture or status or 30 second video of him saying nothing while staring into his pixel-ridden webcam, the boys go nuts. I understand that he's attractive and all of that but... is it really that serious? Whats troubling to me is the extent to which he's idolized. These boys turn on this pseudo thug appeal and respond to his his posting with things like "just bein straight up my nigga" or "Why you aint tell me bra." I'm pretty sure the majority of them do not talk like that outside of cyber space, especially not to their mothers, so why do it to him? Is that what it takes to get a man's attention these days? They tell him how unfortunate it is for him to be bombarded by all of these x-rated messages and phones numbers boys throw at him. Calling those people desperate and thirsty. But by indulging him with his every comment and posting pretty much the same thing? When he responds to one of their comments i can tell they feel they hit the jackpot and continue to respond to him in attempts to hold his attention. He often poses the things boys write him in his inbox for the world to see ("Im tired of chasin u yo im tired of callin im tired of textin im tired of always having to hit u up last time i called you, you said u was gonna call me back and you didnt"). I can tell he gets a kick out of it.

What I really want to know is what is with this groupie mentality that people seem to have developed? What makes you think that this man, who men constantly throw themselves at, will somehow see that you've left him a "appreciate the add bruh" on his wall or a "lmao damn" on his status and pick you? Why continue to throw yourself at a man and vie for a man's attention when its clear he's mostly about getting as much attention as possible? You are one of a thousand people who all have the same goal in mind (get him). He is ONE person who has no intention of ever choosing just one. Why are we entertaining these types of men to the extent that we do? Is he really as good as it gets? Are we that obsessed with finding "realness" that we're willing to make ourselves into fanatics over the internet for it and for him?

I don't get it.

"Theres pretty much two types of people on facebook: those who have an update every three minutes that nobody comments on, and those who can write about anything and have 40 comments and 30 likes."

Unsavoury History

2011-08-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

"Spill too much about your ex in the early stages and the guy won’t be able to help but adjust his behavior so as not to appear to be anything like him. When you do get to talking about your past, it’s about striking a balance. The key is that you shouldn't be emotionally invested, whether that means you come across cold in an effort to look detached, or if you can’t speak about him without bitching and seething." -NML

Oh You'll Never Find

2011-08-05T17:56:00.001-07:00

I gave ATL one last walk through. Arms crossed. Walking down Peachtree Street remembering why i enjoy the urban sprawl. Tall buildings. Lights in offices I'll never know the business of. Prostitute standing on corners (oh that's a femme queen). The clubs I've ventured to. The restaurants i didn't eat at. I spent four years of my life developing into the adult I am now. ATL was a crash course in men and the cunts and the shade and the butch queens and the trade and this thing called the life. I'll miss weekday afternoons at the straight boys house during school the most. I'll miss sitting with the judies on brown benches too. Orange sunbeams streaking through unwashed windows. My favorite time of day is the afternoon when the sun is going down and my part of the world is transitioning into night fall. Everything seems a lot more calm in that moment. I compare it to the moment in the movie theater when the lights are dimming and everyone settles into their seats and quiets down. Shades of pink and purple paint the sky and i realize I'm where I want to be. We have a group meeting at 6 in Douglas. Conversations of the going's on of the day. Got my test back in BioChem. Sitting on campus looking at the various boys pass by. 12 page paper due in a few days. Eating near windows in the cafe with people who will one day be a life long friends. You see that boy over there? I think he's cute. Dorm life was probably the best part. Living in a building with about 100 other boys who were all working towards the same goal is something you have to experience first hand. We shared cultures and slang from the areas where we were from and traded them often. Their Southern dances for your North Eastern music. His Midwest style for our West Coast way of doing things. Your dougie is hella tight, son. Learning we all had similar stories to tell.

I realize now all the conversations we had mattered. Every complaint. Every Super Smash Bothers tournament. Every second spent walking across campus or down project streets to get something to eat. Every boy we talked to. Every campus party. Every boy we didn't talk to. Every book opened in the library between conversations with strangers. Every glance at a familiar but nameless face. Every lazy after noon staring out the window on a friend's bed down to the boys in the quad from the third floor. Every football game we didn't sit all the way through. Every moment spent sitting in the common room of the dorms. Every song we ever played on laptop speakers. Heavy books and sweat pants. Flip flops and thoughts of what we'd like our future to be like. It all mattered. It all would sum up to one of the greatest times of our lives. I don't want to say we didn't know it then. Because I think we did. We made sure we spent as much time together as we could. Shared everything and genuinely cared about each other's well being. We knew this is it. This is what counts. I learned a lot more about myself and about life in those times outside of the classroom. Just... chillen. I remember we wished school was like that, everyone just hangin' out all the time. Parties and just kickin' it. Invite them over. Order from here. Who's room did i leave my book in? I'll get it tomorrow.

I've been here for a week now. Packed up my stuff and threw everything in the car. The drive wasn't fun. Well maybe the first five hours, but after that i was ready to teleport to my destination. When i arrived at the nation's capitol at 2 am i remember having the similar feelings i got when i visited many times here previous summers ago. There's something about here that puts me at ease. I don't know how things worked out this way but i realized i wanted to move to Washington, D.C. to start a new chapter. I remember telling my judy that I'm tired of starting over. Always with new schools, new relationships, new contacts. Its great while it lasted but i actually want it to last. Something permanent. So I'm determined to move here and make this work. Me and my good judies, after seeing a few black gay marriages on Facebook of boys who met, lived, and married here have this idea that perhaps its location that makes a difference when it comes to dating? Part of me doesn't believe it but I'd like to give it a shot. There's a different type of black person here in the northeast that I'm getting to know. Success amongst the black community feels different. Like the bar is higher. There's a huge SpelHouse community up here too. I hadn't been in the city for 10 minutes before someone introduced themselves as brother. (Hi, im so and so, class of '83, I'm here for the bruh's weekend. What did you major in?) I'd like to get established here though. Live through these harsh winters and walk the city streets. I don't miss ATL though and I'm not surprised. The judies are constantly asking for updates. How are the boys? And I don't think I've gotten a really good feel for them yet to give them an accurate depiction. From what I've seen thus far however, they're a lot more of them.

That's a good sign.

Take Off The Rose

2011-08-01T04:07:00.000-07:00

"I would strongly caution you against seeking instant chemistry or overestimating how much chemistry you have because you feel it so strongly in one area. Chemistry in a relationship needs the chance to grow and if you spend time getting to know the person as a whole instead of homing in on the bits that suit, you have a far better chance of forging a healthy relationship in reality. If you’re both emotionally available and truly get to know one another to create true intimacy, not the ‘limited connection’ generated by emotional unavailability, you can find chemistry across all areas instead of cherry picking the ‘easy’ stuff." -NML

Filtered Into Your "Junk" Or "Bulk" Folder

2011-07-25T13:03:00.000-07:00

"You've got 'it'." He said to me as we stood outside the club. "You've got it. The nose, the eyes, the cheek bones, the style, the body. You've got it." He was drunk, high yellow and bald. An alpha male who on the looks scale he was about a 6.5. The type of guy who you'd look at on the street and think, "eh, hes okay." My good judy and I were standing outside of the club not wanting to go in. Him against the railing and me in the middle of the sidewalk facing the entrance. We were enjoying just being out and seeing the people go in and out and walk by. The looks on strange men's faces assessing our exteriors. It was 2 in the morning. The guy decided to leave his friends behind and stand outside with us and make conversation. Before they went inside they complimented my shirt and wondered about the crowd. He was from Tennessee, had an 8 year old son, and recently out of a 2 year relationship he pretended didn't have an impact on him. He asked us why we weren't going inside and wasn't satisfied with our answer. "We just don't see it." The club caters to an older crowd. Men who look like they could be your uncle. There were of course men of all ages and types but mostly... older men. I don't remember how we got on the subject but i was trying to discuss dating. I mentioned that his skin color is on the more "preferable" side of things to which he didn't seem to agree (they never do). And that's when he said it: "You've got it." He pointed to my features and said I don't have anything to worry about because I was what he considers "it" (attractive). My friend chimed in and said "Yeah, i tell him all the time that he's beautiful." I don't think i was really paying attention to what he was saying because i was more into trying to discuss skin color preferences. I didn't even say "thank you" when he turned to my friend and said "You're aight. (turns to back me) Like, he's (my friend) o-kay. But you... you've got it."

I wasn't so much flattered by his compliments as i was offended that he told my friend he was "okay." I responded that was mean thing to say and he tried to make up for it by pretending he didn't mean it. Trying to hug him and say "No, you're cute. You're cute."My friend seemed bothered by it but tried to act like he wasn't. From that point i sort of stopped paying attention to the conversation. He's allowed to express his opinion of course. But i don't think telling someone they're unattractive is a nice thing to do when its unsolicited. Especially not someone who you're casually making conversation with after meeting only 5 minutes prior. He was a bit tipsy but he was aware of what was coming out of his mouth. Eventually he finished his cup and went inside. We didn't see him anymore after that. I apologized but he said his opinion doesn't really matter because he was some random person.

I know it hurt to hear that because it confirmed the feelings he has about himself. Standing outside of the club, hearing him say those nice things to me didn't really process until the walk home. He confirmed what a lot of the guys who stare at me think but don't say. As we stood outside there were plenty of stares and head nods. "How you doin's?" and "What's your name's?" I've got "it" and i shouldn't have to worry about not being someone's type. But i still do. I've been rejected before but not as many times as I've gotten glances, compliments, grabbed at the club or on the street, or been yelled out of car windows. I'd rate myself a 7 out of 10. I don't have the body i want but guys seem to like the one i do have. My standards for myself don't match up to the way men see me. I don't think my "it" is the type of "it" i need to be.

We've been friends for a really long time and he came up to visit me for the week. He's more on the nerdy side of things, wears glasses and can't dance. He's thin, quirky, and about 2 inches taller than i am. He describes himself as a 12 year old trapped in a 20 your old body. Big on pop culture and sexual innuendos. He sleeps with his action heroes comforter and isn't big on clothing. We share the same views on a lot of things and have similar tastes. But if this were a sit-com, I'd be the popular girl and he'd be the side-kick. Brooke Shields and Kathy Griffin in Suddenly Susan. He hasn't had much dating experience and never had a real boyfriend. Doesn't know what it is to be approached on the street by strange men or sleep over their one bedroom apartmentnt and ride in the passenger seat. He doesn't consider himself good looking and is self-conscious about his teeth and forehead. We were walking down the street one night taking a look around the city when a guy, dark skin, low fade, wife beater yelled out "hey sexy!" from the passenger side of his friend's mustang. We both knew who he was talking to but i tried to be nice and deflect the comment to him. "He thinks we're cute" i said. "No, he thinks YOU'RE cute" he replied.

There are times when i don't feel like i can talk about guy-related issues with him because it feels like I'm bragging. We've been out and I've been approach by guys and he stands over to the side and waits for it to be over so we can move on. And i feel terrible because i wish it would happen to him more so we can have something to talk about. Bounce stories back and forth of men we've talked to and rejected. But mostly its just me... and him giving commentary. We discuss meeting men and finding love but to him it's much more of an idea than a reality. He finally got the courage to approach a guy at the local coffee place. I sat and encouraged him to go talk to him using ice breakers and he stepped outside of his comfort zone and went for it. It went well, he was an account manager for some company we've never heard of 60 hours out of the week. It was his birthday and he was taking a break from the office. He was cute and seemed like the type of guy who'd bring you flowers on the first date and spends time with his nephews at zoos and parks. During the conversation we realized he was heterosexual (despite being in the gay side of town) and wrapped the conversation because the event we were going to was about to begin. We said our "nice to meet you's" and hurried across the street. My good judy was so proud of himself and so was I. It took a lot of courage. He tends to have negative ideas about what the outcomes would be if he were to approach someone. He'd put on his 'trade voice and do impressions sometimes of: "Nah nigga, i aint get, get away from me." I reminded him that talking to boys isn't that bad and they're more than likely going to be nice to you. He was energized and wanted to do it again. We didn't. But I know he filed away the experience is his mental "I can't believe I did that!" file. Because he couldn't.

We went over that 15 minute interaction throughout his entire stay. "He said he works 60 hour weeks?! I bet he doesn't have time for a relationship. What was his name again? Oh yeah!"

You Both Like Football Means You Both Like Football.

2011-07-20T19:43:00.001-07:00

"Anything like looks, rigid age requirements, the size of their bank account, how many gifts they buy you, how many of the same interests you share, the books they read, how many sparks shoot out of you when you’re in touching distance, and yada, yada, yada – knock it off ‘the list’, especially if you are asking them to be or do things that you are not being and doing yourself. Same for expecting them to create feelings in you that you can’t even feel for you.

Anything on your list that has the hallmarks of you looking for a fairy tale or romantic comedy ending or where the person has to practically revolutionize the wheel in order to be with you by going through the hands of change, knock it off 'the list'. That means that if you’re choosing partners based on their willingness to change into the man you want – knock it off 'the list'. If you’ve believed that your contribution to relationships has been wonderful and your qualities are great, even though you have a dubious relationship history, get real with yourself because these ideas will affect your choices, whether it’s because you hold onto dubious partners, or fail to see great guys right in front of you.

If you’re going to be picky, be picky about the stuff that makes a fundamental difference to how well you are treated in the relationship and how compatible you will both be – that’s primary values and boundaries" -NML

Work Hours Are Often Irregular

2011-07-13T08:13:00.000-07:00

My cousin called me yesterday to discuss the going's on with her current interest. Talks about clingy-ness and moving too fast on his part. Hair and phone sponsorships from the not-for-profit foundation of HisWallet. He has other girls hes interested in but shes the main one. Doesn't want to be, but doesn't necessarily want to push him away. He's something to do for the summer. I don't remember how we got on the subject but she brought up going through his social network profiles. How she isn't the type to do that. Her friend did though. We moved on to what happened with her previous boyfriend of long term and how he cheated. "I didn't understand how he found time to cheat on me? He was with me and talking to me all the time. But then one day I went through his facebook and saw the messages." Shes said she would have never thought to do that because she believes in trust. She believes if there's a need to go through anything of his, then there is no trust and you should be together. I told her I'm the opposite, i go through everything. Every message. Every picture folder. Every wall post. Every Re-tweet. I'll press every key on your laptop into all of your internet searches to see what pops up. So that's where we differ...

I wondered about that whole thing. Now its a lot easier to find out as much as possible about a person because we no longer are reliant on the safety of sock drawers and mattresses and desks and closets of shoe boxes tucked behind clothing. We have password protected mediums that can be figured out if you pay enough attention to the pattern of key strokes that you pretend not to notice. We keep all of these clues a lot more condensed in electronics which makes it easier for discovery. I'm absolutely the type to go through all of your things even if i don't have reason to. No receipts or hidden phone calls. Oh, so he likes porn featuring orgies with big black men and researching lyrics from artists i don't care for. If my spidey sense isn't tingling. He texts these people during these times and there aren't any numbers without contact info attached to them. I like to look through things to get to know you. He's organized and prefers chrome to explorer. The things you won't mention. He has more fysh friends and one email address. The part of you my mind usually figures out anyway but just likes to confirm that i was correct.

Another part of me doesn't want any surprises. I like to know all things about you so that i wont wake up one day and discover something and am left looking stupid wondering why i didn't pay attention to the signs. See it all too often with people who find out he's fathered another child or had a secret family or other bytch on the side. I don't want to be that gurl who doesn't find the text messages and letters weeks to months later. We can talk about trust and commitment and all of that good stuff but that isn't enough for me. Sure, you can spit out sayings of if you look for something you don't want then you're bound to find it... well duh... that's kind of the point in looking in the first place. If there is an inkling that something is off, I'm on high alert. Often times though, you don't often need to see proof, you can feel it. I used to think those women were crazy. Like the one's who drive all those miles in a diaper to catch their man cheating. The one's who will use a different phone to call their man or have their friends call and then call 10 minutes later to see if he picks up or send them to voicemail. To call from a private number just so can hear the background noise to determine where he is. I used to think that was something exclusive to the mentally unstable... until i started dating men. Boys will TRY YOU! Figure they're slicker than astroglide and you'll never catch on. And then they find out too late that you're the type of psychotic person, should you get a feeling that something is wrong, who will sit outside of their apartment at 1 a.m., in the car parked at a safe distance and wait for you to come home. Text you like you're at home or far away. And sit in the stairwell of the building then wait to see if someone come's in after you. Act like nothing is wrong for a bit then hit them up days later like "Why don't you call that other hoe. Oops, i bet you thought that i didn't know?" Private investigating is much less of a potential career path but thought of more as hobby of mine.

Just give me a box of cereal and some water and I'll be okay for hours.

The Launch Pad

2011-07-08T06:19:00.000-07:00

"Sex of course, is the biggest booby trap. You will definitely find yourself in the justification zone if you sleep with him too soon, or sleep with him and things don’t prosper and develop as expected. Many of us still equate sex with someone as a signal of a bigger, deeper connection and if we’re left feeling empty, unfulfilled, confused, and a whole host of other negative feelings, we’ll remind ourselves that there must be a strong potential if we slept with him in the first place.

We spend a lot of time agonizing over what is behind a man’s behaviour – He didn’t turn up/He spoke to you inappropriately/He doesn’t show affection can easily turn into He’s got a lot going on/He’s deep and complicated/I need to not be so needy so that he’ll be more comfortable..

If you feel the need to start rationalizing and justifying his behaviour, you need to step back and examine your investment into the relationship because after a while, a justification for staying with the wrong type of guy eventually becomes you believing that you’re madly in love with him and you measuring your self-worth based on how successful (or unsuccessful) you are at getting a return on your investment." -NML

Make Something Recognizable

2011-07-02T04:52:00.000-07:00

I think I'm one of the few who doesn't really care for Don Lemon being the poster child of all things black and gay and male. I know this probably makes me a bad person. Sure, he's showed the world that you can black, gay, and a working professional and yada yada but... there is something about him that doesn't come off genuine in my opinion. I feel what he's showing us on the outside is something that is 'turned on.' I went to school with boys like that. Able to turn on a certain personality that they think you want to see and fool tons and tons of people until your really get to know them. I could be wrong but... i doubt it. I called it with my judy on the phone when the story of his "coming out" first came on. We were watching an interview and i remember saying there was something about him i didn't see. To me the whole story was a ploy to sell more books and i saw right through it. First off, he was never really in the closet. His family, friends, and co-works all knew. The only people who didn't were those who weren't paying attention when he was on the television. Then immediately the assumption came up "I bet his boyfriend is either white or on the lighter side of black. But mostly just white." I don't know how I could tell but i just could. Two days later... BOOM! We find out his boyfriend is a white producer at CNN. Now things are starting to come together...

I don't really care if people think negatively of me because of this (because you will) but i need to let this out... i do feel as though although when he talks about "black issues" its mostly done from a standpoint of "I'm not like them." When he does talk about anything related to black gay men, its ALWAYS negative. He probably doesn't realize it but it is. The Down Low. The Black Church and its issues. And nothing beyond that. Yes, they are a problem but they do not encompass all of who we are. He does paint that picture to those on the outside. At his Outwrite little chat thing/book signing he said that people who do not date outside their race are essentially racist (Really?). He said we, gay black men, need to try and get to know the white girls more and be apart of the marriage movement. We should be banging on doors asking to be part of their organizations (Why be a part of something that they aren't making an effort to include you in?). I was sitting there thinking "did anybody else hear that?"

And then i had to stop and sort of try and look at things from his point of view. To me, he talks about the DL not only because it's an issue but because he doesn't want to be associated "with them." I wouldn't doubt that he said we should all be dating outside of our races because that's what he's doing. I wouldn't doubt that he even has a preference for white men as well. He said he wrote the book due to the string of gay suicides. Noble. Appreciated. But to me what was most telling was of all the teens who committed suicide, he singled out one white kid who jumped off a bridge out of all of them to dedicate it to. That raised an eyebrow. They all killed themselves for the same reason, why him? He's free to dedicate his book to whomever he chooses and date whoever he wants but i still believe its just an example of his leaning towards those in the majority. When we talk about dating outside of your race, it's often looked at in a way that identifies you as racist or not racist. When it comes to black gay men who do it exclusively, it's not that simple to me. When the media tells you that beautiful has white skin, blue eyes, and long hair and ugly has dark skin and features like your's, it changes your perspective a bit. There are black men who look at other black men and think "No i don't think he's attractive." (But wait, he looks just like you?) What I think isn't stated is that there is something there, a self-hatred, or something deep within you that was taught. Something you internalized in a society that looks down on African Americans that lead you to in turn do the same even as an African American. It isn't something that necessarily happened organically (maybe if you grew up in an all-white neighborhood, sure).

You know the black men who don't date other black men when you see them. They're often the token black person with great grammar and ugly shoes in the sea of white girls. They understand that they are African American and utilize it from time to time but mostly, they don't identify with other black gay men. And that's okay. They don't have to. But don't impose your point of view on the rest of us (who spend a lot more time with people who actually look like you).

He's smart. Educated. Successful. Inspirational. Yes. He's doing good work in educating the masses and so forth. Great. He may even be a nice person. I'm not throwing him as a person under the bus. However, when I look at Don Lemon, I don't see myself or anyone I hang around with or see at any black gay events.

I just don't.

I’ve Tried to Accommodate

2011-06-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

"A lot of cheaters get off on taking risks and playing truant on their relationships. They don’t like the normality that comes with the steadiness of a relationship or the wants, needs, and expectations that arise from it, so they seek their thrills elsewhere. Sometimes you’re like something they’ve just got to have but they haven’t really thought past winning you over to the bit where you expect them to follow through on their ardent pursuit. Some people actually cheat because things are going ‘too’ well and they need to rebel. If someone doesn’t want to be committed, they will behave as they like, irrespective of whether they were with the 'Most Perfect Person on Earth.'

You're only taking on the role as the 'sideline hoe' as a temporary position with the goal of being the 'main squeeze.' This is basically like giving someone a ‘try before you buy’ option. You’re in the position of trying to prove yourself in the hope that one day, you’ll create the impetus for him to leave. Unfortunately the guy who will cheat on an ongoing basis and tie you up in a litany of whines and excuses about his ‘situation’, interprets the fact that you’ll be with him in spite of his other relationship and suggests that you have little or no boundaries and that you’ll be there anyway. He also basically assumes he can ‘handle’ the situation should you create conflict.

So where does that leave you? For many of you, you’ll be in limbo land. No matter what you suspect is the likely outcome, you’ll opt to stick with the situation and take a massive gamble. You’ll hope to be the exception and hope that fate, the alignment of the planets, fortune cookies, etc, deal you a favorable outcome. The best thing that you can do is believe in yourself – tell him to come back when he’s free to be with you. That may be never, but it’s better than waiting forever..

If you’re OK with being with someone who has a wife/husband or boyfriend/girlfriend, and particularly if it’s not the first time, you need to address your own issues with emotional unavailability and 'Second Best' Syndrome." -NML

Until Then I'll Just Recite Love Songs

2011-06-22T17:45:00.000-07:00

I find myself blogging about this a lot but its something that really bothers me. It just always comes off like its wrong to want to be part of a couple. Even if its coming from a place that isn't desperate, or lonely, or seeking validation through the approval of a man. Its as if relationships are exclusive to the 30+ set and those those below that are not experienced enough. It feels like on your 30th birthday, that's when everything is suppose to fall into place and the men of your dreams walks in and blows out the candle and gets down on one knee. Those of us with 2's in front of our ages should be focusing on other things like... school, travel, getting to know ourselves (whatever that means?), and stop trying to "move so fast."But what if we've already reached that point? Why can't one do that with someone next to you who's a long for the ride? I totally understand what it is to move slow and get to know people and do things you enjoy and what not. Those are going to be done regardless of if a man is around. I just don't think it's wrong to want a relationship at this point. School is finished for now, work is about to begin. Next chapters. New people. New Places. I've come across people who are tired of the club and the dating scene and just want ONE. Been through the emotionally unavailable man and learned what red flags are. Condom wrappers in waste bins of 'used to be's.' Songs played on repeat that narrated these experiences word for word. I have friends who want nothing more than to be a stay-at-home husband and I've never looked down on them for it. I totally understand what it is to want to play that role. To want that life. The life the fysh seem to have the monopoly on.

So in our 20s, is it really meant for us to explore dating? Or are we not suppose to entertain the idea of commitment at all? To see coupled individuals and think to themselves "that's going to be me one day" without any evidence in support of? Are we meant to be aloof and sleep around and not make any emotional ties? I feel as though when you establish this sort of pattern early, it parlays to later in life. If you spend a large part of your young life being non-committal and promiscuous... do people believe you just grow out of it? One day you wake up, relinquish your high sex drives and need for multiple partners and turn into the poster child of monogamy? Some men do of course, but i don't think their in the majority. I think of all the older men who can't seem to keep it in their pants despite loving wives and kids at home. I believe there was never a point where they couldn't have multiple partners and established that in their young adult life. I've met guys in their 30s and 40s who are going through the same shyt I am in my 20s when it comes to dating. It doesn't just go away as we get older and i think that's important that we keep that in mind. I believe that if one is looking for commitment, your age is less important and what matters is your mindset. Having boundaries, self-esteem, values, and respect for yourself are what counts more than income, credit, and mobility.

Patients and 'meant to be' are very easy things to throw out there when it comes to finding love. Especially since they're often expressed by people who are also single themselves. Whenever I get that from someone I always spit back "how's that working out for you?" I always feel as though the concept that it will happen to you one day if your patient stands in direct contradiction to the fact that tomorrow is not guaranteed. Wait, tomorrow is not guaranteed right? There is no way of knowing if you'll even make it to the appropriate (read: legal) relationship age. Even if you do get there with the credit, nice car, good job, passport stamped on every page, that it will be enough to find a man be in your life for the long haul. The likelihood of a happy coupled life does not seem to increase as the number you tell people increases. Men and relationships do not complete you, no. But it isn't wrong to want one despite what single people will have you believe. If you want it, you can have it and be happy with it. Love and relationships don't have expiration dates, no. But we do... and they aren't printed on us anywhere for future reference.

Essential Nature

2011-06-19T05:55:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered why people ask what other people's signs are. I found that we in our community sort of have this affinity for all things astrological as it serves to tell us things about ourselves and other people. But i never really believed it. I wondered how exactly people went about researching how the time and date of your birth correlated with your personality. Did it have something to do with at which point during the year you matured and experienced life? Did it have something to do with the energy of the earth effecting your development? I always knew what my sign was... Taurus... but that's about it. So I went online and did one of the more in-depth horoscope things and found that although it wasn't 100% spot on... it came pretty close. Here are some of the things i felt described me:

"Your personality is in keeping with the individuality just outlined. Others view you as very determined, assured, and self-reliant. Often you are too brash and direct, and your remarks can be offensive. Another tendency that you have is to flatter and to criticize carelessly, without regard for the other person's feelings. You are attracted to high-quality goods and luxuries, and you will work hard to secure them." - I tend to be very sure of myself on the outside. But like most people on the inside i can be pretty insecure. I am EXTREMELY direct and honest and will tell you how i feel when i feel it. I still wrestle with this thing about being 'offensive'... my friends tell me I'm a bytch. My family calls me mean. But i disagree lol. And yes, i am attracted to high-quality goods and luxuries. I love my Bavarian Motor Works sports sedan the same way you have love for a human being.

"In many instances, circumstances will require that you play the role of worldliness and sophistication but under the mask there will exist a very sensitive human being who is easily offended, and also very perceptive of the more subtle influences and impressions, as well as of psychic vibrations."

-I don't take jokes about myself very well that's for sure. I may smile and laugh but not-so-deep-down I'm like.. FUCK YOU HOE! I would agree that I'm very perceptive. I notice things in people very early without having to know much about them. I can't really explain how i do it in full detail but the gist of it is that people tend to follow patterns. If I pay close enough attention and know what to look for, I'll be able to tell which pattern that person follows. I believe people and their though processes are a lot more alike than we give ourselves credit for.

"Because you are more competent than most of your competitors, you will never take on a task you can not handle. Until you try, of course, you will not know this. You secretly fear responsibility, but you are more than able to perform your duties and fulfill your obligations, both to yourself and to others"

- This hit home for me. A part of me feels that I am capable of doing things that I am capable of performing almost any task but a large part doesn't BELIEVE it. I have to throw myself into situation in order for me to know for sure that I am able to because from the outside looking in I always feel like its something that may somehow overwhelm me. I think I'd make a great Boss or Executive or Director of an organization. I'm decisive and i often gather a lot of evidence before i do things. But part of me doesn't feel confident about my abilities although in the past I've performed well in these sort of roles. So that's something I'm working on.

" Destiny may place yo u in environments where your natural traits can be best expressed. You will be happier when allowed to be occupied with searching for a person or a thing, though not necessarily in important work."

-Although it came somewhat out of left field, it's actually pretty true. My friends call me "Nancy Drew" or "Inspector Gadget" because I'm good at finding people and things. When i went through "friends with benefits" phone (which i do not regret doing by the way) although it sucked... the rush i got from uncovering different pieces of his puzzle. I matched phone numbers to naked pictures. I discovered which ones he was most interested in versus just entertaining. I realized he doesn't really have a type physically but he's more prone to guys who will sort of kiss up to him based on the lengths of the text conversations compared to their content.

Also I wouldn't call it 'stalking' to much as 'browsing' as I'm prone to go through people's Facebook's and twitters and read every status and comment on their page. I'm good at figuring out which online profiles are fake ones. Who's more on the insecure side of things (their statuses request their friends to respond more often and to things regarding their point of view). Who recently got cute to themselves (various albums dedicated to photo shoots they took of themselves. Instead of choosing the best picture, they upload them all and wait to see which picture gets the most responses or likes and stick to taking pictures posed in that position). These aren't necessarily world changing things I'm good at but I don't discount them as insignificant.

Maybe there is some truth to all of it?

Right Without Positive Knowledge

2011-06-14T05:44:00.000-07:00

"Many of us are going through life unconscious of what we believe and why, and we’re not challenging these beliefs to see if they’re valid. We’re assuming that if we’re being dealt crappy cards by life then what we believe is true, even though we’re actually behaving in line with what we believe, inadvertently helping ourselves to keep believing. What many of us don’t realize is that if we didn’t believe what we believe, we wouldn’t act as we do, so of course if we thought and did things differently, we could have a different outcome.

When you question your beliefs it causes you to question your fears and you’ll often find that they’re misplaced or totally exaggerated. Many of us carry beliefs that while we carry on like they’re true, they’re not actually true in the wider sense. It’s only when we become conscious about what we believe and sanity check it that we often discover that our ‘truth’ was somewhat distorted and untrue, which is where the room is created for you to transform your beliefs. Until something bad happens or we get sick of the merry-go-round, we don’t look too closely at what we believe to see how it is affecting us. We also don’t ask ourselves if what we believe is actually true – we don’t attempt to refute our own claims and ideas. If we examined what we believed, we’d start to have doubts, not least because if you have a number of negative beliefs, it can become pretty evident that you won’t be going anywhere fast holding onto them.We use our beliefs to determine what we think our capabilities are in that context. When they’re negative, the underlying belief is that we’re not capable of being or doing whatever it is that’s tied to the belief. " -NML

Memory Seats

2011-06-09T05:26:00.000-07:00

I think everyone has a straight friend who does things that makes them go... "wait a minute, what?" Mine is a 5'10, ex drug dealer with tats on his arms, hands, across his stomach and a tear drop near his eye with a heavy jersey accent. We met in a gym (big shock) and during our very first conversation together he made hypotheticals like "So what if me and you rent a charger and drive down to miami? I like shyt like that" and "What if i take you out to dinner.. for like steak or something?".... 'huh?' I thought. I've met his girlfriend (cuz he lives with her) but he doesn't really take her seriously. I came home once from work and he caught me in the parking deck and asked if I wanted to go out to get something to eat. Really? Me and you? When opportunity knocks...

Its important to note that hes crazy. Well, the cute kind of crazy. He expressed to being somewhat bipolar and having delusion of grandeur. Which i sort of brushed off in the beginning but became evident as we got to know each other. He's extremely sure of himself and talks to just about anyone who will respond to him. But with me though, our friendship is kind of awkward. My friends all think he likes me but I don't really see it. I can say I'm the male equivalent of the girls I've seen him with... short, dark skin, cute. And okay, so he's come over to my place shirtless... in basketball shorts and flip flops more than once. He invited me over to just sit in his house and hang out as he sat shirtless in his shorts, smoking weed and listening to music. He looks at me funny when we're in the car and love songs come on. But throughout all of this he's never like "made a move." I don't think ive ever expressed being gay to him but i figured my lack of conversation about fysh and that big picture of a half naked man on my bedroom wall which he's seen multiple times would be a dead giveaway. Or maybe not? They say he's waiting for me to initiate it but that's never going to happen. He could ABSOLUTELY get it though. He's extremely attractive plus i have an unhealthy thing for mentally unstable men ( it keeps things interesting). But most of all, he's got the type of straight-boy swag that i fantasize about. I try to linger a bit longer every time he gives me that handshake-to-hug thing boys give. I entertain him when he says he wants to be a rapper. "Yeah, you should go for it." When he's in my car he does that thing every guy does where they push the seat all the way back as far as it goes and leans it back like a recliner. I don't know why they do it? I guess its comfortable. Its one of those things that men do that i really have a thing for because in my mind its something straight boys tend to do exclusively. My judies often get in and make faces of discomfort "I can tell you've had niggas in the car cuz the seat is in the trunk!" as they press the correct button to put it back to the upright position. Last time he sat there I pressed the M-1 button and mentally labeled it "trade."

I remember once we drove in his coupe to the gas station cuz he needed a dutch (or w/e they call it). He got out but left me in the car with the engine running. "I'll be right back, iight?" Cd cases thrown about and maybe a pair of Jordans on the back seat. Dj So and so's mixtape blaring through loud speakers and windows tinted. My nostrils flared as I took deep inhales. It had that sweet smell of the tobacco stuff on the inside of Black and Milds mixed in with a hint of weed and cologne. Ashtrays used for what they're actually suppose to be (we tend to use it for change storage). Floors dirty but not in an offensive kind of way. You'd be able to sit in it and tell it belongs to a straight boy. He was in there for about 5 minutes but it in that time frame i did what i'm not really good at doing: lived in the moment. I took everything in and imprinted it in my brain. Every light. Every Sound. The feel of his seats. As i watched him walk back out toward the car, his fitted cap covering his eyes and his waddle evident from the fit of his jeans, I sat there thinking... This is it...This is what life is about. Right here.

He went back for a lighter.

Will Say Variations

2011-06-05T06:05:00.000-07:00

"You can’t say you want some ‘me time’ and to travel knowing you don’t have very much time for a relationship…and then pursue a relationship and wonder why it’s not working. You can’t say you want to settle down with someone who loves, trusts, cares, and respects you and then get involved with a commitment shy man who talks a good game, but repeatedly fails to demonstrate true love, care, trust, and respect, and then spend your time trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. You also will struggle to find happiness if you don’t personally know how to make yourself happy and don’t even like, never mind love yourself.

If you don’t address the underlying reasons as to why you are unhappy, particularly if you have felt this way in most of your relationships, you will wake up in your next relationship and realize that unhappiness has traveled with you. We often try to fill that missing something with a guy and a relationship, as if they can paper over the cracks of our pain and suddenly send our personal value shooting up. You have to recognize that until you grab a hold of yourself and make a conscious effort to intervene on what you have been doing and thinking, you will get caught up in a cycle of saying you are unhappy but not actually doing anything about it. Clearly, if you’re not happy and you’ve felt this way for an extended period of time, what you are doing is not working. " -NML

What's his ETA?

2011-05-31T21:11:00.000-07:00

When is it appropriate to ask where exactly the situation between you and another person is going? My judy said about a month.. or a month and week... of texting, hanging out, and getting to know. Stop and ask, what are the expectations and where does he see this going? I agreed. There are other important questions to ask as well. "Are you in a relationship?" "Are you talking to somebody?" And ONE VERY IMPORTANT AND OFTEN LEFT OUT QUESTION:"Is someone talking TO YOU?" You'd be surprised at the number of us who aren't aware that the person we're getting to know or in a relationship with is not in the same situation we think we're in. Then came the topic of whether or not he's going to lie. Its obvious to me now to pay attention to a person's actions and not really what they say. Especially when it comes to dating men. They will lie and tell you anything you want to hear. The signs that he isn't looking for serious are the standard: if he's always busy, always texts when its dark outside, never asks about anything too deep, etc. So if he's doing those things then you must make sure that you don't get too involved. But why lie about the existence of other men you're sleeping with?

I know me and 'friends with benefits' are have a very awkward relationship. When it comes to other boys, he always denied them. After seeing proof that he is in fact engaging in casual sex with strangers and some not so strange, i wondered why he wouldn't tell me. So I asked again. "How do u meet boys then?" He said something about "through friends mainly" but... I knew that was a lie. I asked if he had a rolodex of boys in his phone from which to choose from and he jokingly accused me of trying to make him out to be a "sleaze." Well... you're a boy.. its kind of like... default, I thought to myself. But he still wouldn't tell me. He said "i make friends. No boo's here." That said a lot. I think that, to him, the moment he did ever admit to sleeping around, I would go away. And he's correct (even though we are not in a relationship).Whether that's the wrong thing to do or not, Its how I feel. The moment he said he's out there fuckin' hoes off the internet, he'd be deleted out of my life (prior to me already finding out anyway). He may never tell me about the light skin boy with tats across his chest or the older guy with the sunglasses no matter how many times i ask. I assume his need to skate around the subject is his attempt to keep me on the back burner.

Then the question came up, well... "is it fair to expect them to be hoe free upon meeting and getting to know you?" No. You shouldn't expect something like that. 'But the expectation is to be free of your hoe tendencies during our hoorah together' said good judy. If I were in the process of getting to know a guy and lets say... we had a date on Sunday... and he invited some bytch over to have sex that Monday. Would I be okay with it, because he is giving me the type of attention the other hoes aren't getting? Nope. I would tell him we had a great time and I hope him and who ever he was has a good life together. I don't want to be another casualty. So of course, to continue to do what he's always done before meeting me, men will keep something like that a secret. Will he stop his casual sex ways and decide he wants to see you exclusively? At this point based on the men I've as well as my friends have come across... the answer always seems like.... never. Men always seem to want other options. There is never anyone who is entirely 'enough.' I'm learning that. They don't want to get stuck in a situation they may at a later date want to opt out of... but at the same time they don't want to lose you and the attention you give them, either.

So what do we do? We do the best we can. We ask questions. We make our intentions clear. We pay attention to behavior. Ask ourselves, how long are we willing to put up with his hoe tendencies in hopes that he'll end it with them and choose us? Will he ever choose us at all? We set deadlines and stick to them. We establish a little more control over the situation instead of leaving it all up to him. Most importantly, this 'friends with benefits' situation is reinforcing my belief that if he isn't sleeping with YOU...

... he isn't sleeping ALONE.

Usually Sorting Through

2011-05-27T07:56:00.000-07:00

I slept over again. Was his attempt at romantic coming from a different place? Drove to his apartment in the pouring rain. Foggy windshields and brake lights on vacant corners. When i got there i had him come outside and give me the umbrella so i wouldn't get wet. This time we didn't have sex. Watched television and took it to the bedroom for some intimate time. He recently got off of work so he was tired and i could tell. We cuddled but i was wide awake having taken a nap during the day. So as he fell asleep next to me, i was texting my judy about the whole thing. "I'm laying here watching him sleep but I'm trying not to over think things" i said... his response was "live in the moment." Something i have trouble doing since there are so many variables. So many consequences. How can you be cautious and carefree at the same time?

I did however, have a psycho moment. Everyone is afforded one or two. Now, let me preface this, i understand we're in a more 'friends with benefits' type of situation... but... i just wanted to know. You guessed it, i invaded his privacy and went through his phone. Blah blah blah... bad person... blah blah blah we're not together. Fuck that! I cant say i wasn't surprised to see other boys in his phone. "We had a good time the other night ;-)". Images of photo shoots these butch queens took naked in their bathrooms. "So how was i? Just curious lol" Saved images set in folders marked so strangers wouldn't think much of it. "You were great. What about me?" Some of them we're under single digit names... like "P" which meant they weren't important but they were worthy enough of a "save contact" and i assumed it had something to do with their screen name. "You look sexy in that pic" But which screen name? Well he has a blackberry so... Grindr? Sure enough, there was the app. "You got any pics of your cheeks spread?" Some of them were just numbers that he didn't bother saving, those occurred more than a few times. There were a few re-occuring cunts with names and pictures attached to them. I couldn't help but compare myself. "Nah, come spread 'em" Was I as cute? I laid there and thought about all the other boys who were laying here before me. "I'm out the shower." All the ones who will be laying here when I'm not. I wondered if they thought he might be the one? "I was jut thinkin about when u were dickin me down." Or was he just another big penis in a city full of commitment-phobes? I couldn't get upset about it though because i put myself in that situation knowingly. "Damn, Im horny" But it still sucked to see it. It became REAL at that moment. I was one of more than a few. He was even texting one of them minutes before my arrival. "U sleep?"

It was around 4 or 5 in the morning and my judy was still awake entertaining me and my crisis. "Fuck this no strings bullshyt, its for the sluts".. He moved a bit and i froze with his phone under the sheet.. "I know your havent fallen for him?".. He rolls back over... "looking at him laying next to me... i don't get that feeling." I realized as i lied there that i dont wanna be that. Just another girl. Something to do. I thought of Monica's chorus about wanting to mean a little bit more and spaces on to-do lists. I don't wanna be that person who send out naked pics in hopes that one of these men will take the bait. There are so many of us who are caught in that. "They want hoes now, not housewives" he sent through the phone. "We should frame that, because your right." We're perpetuating this culture and then getting upset when we end up alone. Its the path of least resistance to entertain the whores of the world as they gain physical satisfaction and an ego stroke. Some gurls are into that, and no shade to them. But i do believe most of us are looking for serious. But we'll settle for the crumbs of a man's attention if it means we'll feel good for a bit. Coy text messages and suggestive avatars. All of this just to keep him around longer. We were texting back and forth how we're worth so much more. Cultured. Traveled. Educated. But at this point... what men want is sitting in their in-boxes waiting for the go ahead to come through. Multiples. Options.

I know most men are like him. With a rolodex of attention and quickies that they utilize from time to time. That when you meet a guy, you must be aware of this. You are NOT the only one hes talking to. There will always be another one who is cuter and fucks and sucks better than you do. It feels like we must do everything we can to try and gain his attention. To be special enough to make him delete all the others and have folders full of pictures and conversations that are exclusive to you. Vying for his time so you can take the top spot. It sucks. It really does. And I'm not going to pretend like I'm comfortable with spending my life alone... or at the same time being fine with being one of many. Accepting that men will always be promiscuous and we must either deal.. or its no deal. Some would say the solution is to do the same. But if i didn't like it, why would i do it someone else? It would take too much of my mental energy to juggle. To remind myself of what this one likes and who's number that one belongs to. I can look at the experience with him as a lesson in what i don't want, maybe? Carrie was right in asking why we're in such a rush to move from confused to Confucius? Perhaps we do search for 'lessons' to lessen the pain... or at least the cognitive dissonance. He went from a guy i used to mess around with to a learning experience of "dont's" and "wont's."

I just wanna matter.

Silly Strings

2011-05-19T22:20:00.001-07:00

So there's this guy i blogged about back in January. The one who told me he used to be into me but we just wouldn't click. The one i thought i could probably be with should anything have come between us. Well.... i slept with him the other night on a whim. Honestly, I've wanted to for a while but we just never got to that point. Until one night after we exchanged sexual messages back and forth. He was shirtless and in sweats when i arrived (the standard one night stand uniform). Tank's new CD was playing in the background and it looked like he cleaned his place just for my arrival. He was trying to be "romantic" in the way men envision romantic. It was nice, he was too big but i took it for as long as i could. Lots of kissing and rubbing and intimacy. Something I'm good at: being intimate. He enjoyed it. I'm very aware and self conscious during sex. I tend to do things that i know men like: arching my back, timing moans with his rhythm, making him feel as if he's doing a really good job. Men like it when they're in control so i operate like a remote. He pushes a button and I react. Touch me there and i giggle. Pass your tongue over that spot and i pull your hair a bit harder. I understood early that there's a reason boys are addicted to light up toys and action figures and video games so i learned in certain situations to mimic the basic concept of them. It felt nice just having him lay onto of me though. There's something special about feelings someone's weight on you and you don't mind that it takes a little more effort to breathe. "This is taking a while. Do you normally do this lying down?"...::laughs:: "No, I'm usually sitting at my computer."

The point was for me to get it out of my system. I wont be here for much longer and i didn't want to leave any "what ifs" lying around. I understood that this wouldn't lead into anything serious although the thought crossed my mind. I don't regret doing it. At the time i thought i would have. That i would sit and stare at my phone waiting for him to have an epiphany and realize he could have had that experience as often as he wanted for the last four years. That he probably won't find someone who could make him laugh while his penis was still erect. But i don't feel bad. I'm remarkably more comfortable about it than i imagined i would be. We laid in bed naked together... talked about us. "I still have that picture you sent me" he said. We fell asleep embracing the entire time. I woke up first and laid there watching him breathe. I looked around his room and wondered if i would have spent more time over here or at my place. If we would have designated sides of the bed we'd sleep on. He woke up and i told him i had to go. He looked disappointed. We kissed and he walked me to the door. Expressed his need to purchase furniture and his joy for the new flat screen he bought that's still sitting in the box. "Call me" i said, walking out the door... without looking back.

They Play Good Music

2011-05-16T03:06:00.000-07:00

"The amount of legwork you put into finding men should be proportionate to the type of dating experience you want. Dating is difficult but it’s made harder by the fact that there are lots of people out there dating who don’t know what they want and are conflicted. This sends out mixed messages and further adds to a lot of people walking around like headless chickens in the dating world.

If you’re ‘hunting’ for a man and actively auditioning every man you come across for the top seat in your life, you’re going to get frustrated and defeated very quickly. That's not to say that you shouldn’t place yourself in situations to meet men. So if you leave the house, mix with people, go to parties, are social, are open to having a conversation with people without expectation, you will still meet guys. However, they don’t have to have the expectation to turn into a relationship, never mind dates, because realistically, not every man that you meet can have the potential to be The One." -NML

A Danger Signal

2011-05-08T04:16:00.000-07:00

"When a man relies primarily on text messaging, instant messenger, and email for communicating with you, it’s not because he’s a new age man, it’s not because the written word is his tool, and it’s not because he is trying to manage his time effectively. It’s one thing if he uses these forms of communication as secondary ways of communicating with you in conjunction with picking up the phone and seeing you face to face, but I certainly would not accept these means as your primary method of communication.

He is using ‘new’ forms of communication to control you and how often you both correspond so that he can control the relationship. He wants to keep you at a distance, and it’s likely that he’s emotionally unavailable. You may start out this way, particularly if you meet online but he should want to progress the conversation and let you into his life. Quite frankly, men that keep you out are lazy communicators, lazy dates, and even lazier pseudo ‘boyfriends’." -NML

Candidates For Commitment

2011-05-02T19:41:00.000-07:00

So graduation is 2 weeks away so....

Prestigious Degree: Check.
Nice Car: Check.
Good friends: Check.
Nice apartment with a good view: Check.
Job: Well, once i re-establish myself wherever i end up, i'll get one. So, half check.

And as i sat in the parking lot with the music down to a minimum, all i could think was "I have all of this and I'm still unhappy." I know now that material things will not bring you happiness. They tell us these things from time to time. So I've reached a point where I'm in transition; questioning my life. I know where I'm headed. I will have a successful career. I will have a nice place with nice things. I will have all what you can use a debit card to attain. So i called my sister who quickly assessed my problem. "You're lonely.".... This is what it feels like?... "Yeah, You've spent so much time worrying about school that you never had a chance to slow down and think about it. But now that it's over you're realizing that you have all of these things but you have no one to share it with." OMG!!! I'm Lonely! It was shocking to finally admit it to myself let alone hear it from someone else. But she was right. I am. This is the one thing that i am not completely sure about. Will i end up like the lonely men i see hanging out at Bulldogs on a regular? Will I be that girl who's 45 and reminiscing about all the men i USED to have. That can't be me. But it's very much a reality.

So i asked: what are some solutions? She suggested i lower my standards. wait, my standards aren't all that high to begin with. No I'm lying, they are. "Well, maybe lower isn't the right word, but 'tweak' your standards." I don't really have a concrete idea of what those standards are. But i do know that so far, most men I've com across have been on some bullshyt. They've been emotionally unavailable. Controlling. Self-Centered. Non-goal oriented. And completely unattractive to me. It isnt like ive met a guy with qualities i could possibly tolerate and then he wears the wrong shoes and I give him the chop. These men have had some serious flaws that I refuse to entertain. It isn't the same for a heterosexual female and a homosexual male. The men the two of us encounter may share the same common themes of behavior, but the types are totally different. So then she suggest i make a list of 5 things a guy I'm looking for NEEDS to have and a list of 5 things i WANT him to have. I already knew what the idea of this list is about. To have those people who want a man with model looks and a 6 figure bank account write down these absurd things and then think about how likely they are to find it and how viable these things are to establishing a healthy relationship. I already know these things. But i decided I'll indulge her idea anyway. So here goes

NEEDS:
1. He needs to be attractive to me. (I've tried talking to men I've found to be completely unattractive and i could not get past it. I couldn't let their qualities overshadow the fact that i didn't want to see them naked. )
2. He needs to be monogamous. (I don't believe in sharing men.)'
3. He needs to be consistent. (Please call when you say you're going to call. Follow through on plans you've made. Don't pull the mask off and turn into someone else down the line.)
4. He needs to communicate. (Although I am good at judging the meaning behind behavior, i cannot read minds. If something is bothering you, please let me know.)
5. He needs to be mutually interested/ invested in me. (I don't believe in entertaining men who only see me as "something to do." I cannot be with someone who does not love, care, trust, and respect me.)

WANTS
1. I was unsure of whether or not this should be a need, but i would WANT for him to have a job. I will not spend my time trying to support you.
2. I want him to be mobile. I suppose not everyone can afford a car, but I am not going to pick you up everywhere and be your taxi. No ma'am.
3. I want for him to have long term goals. I recognize that some people are perfectly happy being where they are in life, but it would be nice to be open to change.
4. I want him to be dominant. This is another one i wasn't sure about. Because passive men aren't really my speed but i can tolerate it to an extent. It would be great if he's the type of guy who says "we're going out to eat tonight" or "take your clothes off and lay on the bed." I do very well playing that submissive role and i do not feel bad about admitting it.
5. I want for him to be more on the masculine side of things. Although you don't have to be a man's man, i do appreciate a level of masculinity often seen in straight men. There's a self-assurance there that is probably the most intoxicating thing in the world. Type of dude that you know, should someone try you on the street, will immediately get all mean and scary and try to protect you instead of telling you to 'just keep walking.'

I'm not exactly sure what to do with this list because she had to get off of the phone before our conversation was over. But At least i know that i have a clearer idea of what i want. Now, I don't yet know if im asking for a lot. I don't think I am. They don't have to be gorgeous or rich, i'll date a janitor if he's fine and emotionally available. But I do know for sure things i won't tolerate. So next is finding someone who has the qualities i look for. That's where I'm still stuck. Do i have to go out and find him or is he going to find me? More and more I'm realizing that I'm going to have to club him over the head and drag him back to my cave. Men do not just appear out of thin air wanting serious... you have to hunt them down and let yourself be known to them. Whether or not you're what they want is something else entirely. The point though... is to be able to say that you tried.

A Complex Affair

2011-04-24T14:41:00.000-07:00

"If a guy really likes you and thinks that you like him, he’ll probably call within a day or two, he’ll probably tell you that he’s going to call you and when, and he’ll very likely stick to it. If a guy is moderately interested, he’ll call within 3-5 days. However, If he tells you up front that it will take this long for him to call, he’s interested.

This means that even if it’s just for 3 minutes, the time it takes for some men to have sex, he will get on the phone because he'll want to let you know that he’s interested. He'll want to avoid you thinking that he’s not interested because you may actually move on. If he tells you the reason why he hasn't phoned you is because he's "busy", move on. A man is never too busy to get what he wants."

With or Without Reasonable Accommodation

2011-04-17T15:14:00.000-07:00

I was reading a book about dating in the gay lifestyle and came across this:

Myths About Meeting Men Now it is time for you to go out and meet men. This, however, can be difficult and frustrating because of the beliefs you may have about meeting men. For Example:

He will appear by magic (this takes meeting him out of your control and allows you to stay home and wait for him to appear).

He will introduce himself.

He will initiate the conversation. Because of this belief, neither one of you starts a conversation. By giving into this belief, you fail to get what you want: to meet men.

He will take the initiative and give you his number and ask you out on a date.

There will be fireworks when you meet him.

I had to put the book down for a second. Is that what I've been doing? They go against what I believed about men. That if they want you, they'll go after you. But that is turning out to be less and less true the more and more stares i get that aren't followed by a "hello." Have I been relying on myths when it came to meeting Mr. Right? Yes, perhaps I have. I thought back to men in my life who've I've dated or been interested in. When the most significant ex and i met and i said to myself "I'm going to get him"... and i did. I took control of the situation and i got what i wanted. Since then, I've sort of taken a back seat and tried to see what happens when men come find me. So far, they haven't lead to anything serious. A few were down right crazy. And I'm realizing more and more now that those bullet points need to be etched somewhere that will allow me to constantly see them. When I'm in spaces where i can meet men, none of those things happen. They really don't come up and introduce themselves. They don't ask for my number. They don't initiate conversation. The book talks about how to go about sparking up a conversation "I saw you from across the room and i just wanted to know your name" or making an observation and asking for an opinion. It stressed that if a guy is interested, he will actively participate in the conversation. If he doesn't.... MOVE ON!

A week ago I went with friends to a bar. We sat in a very crowded space on the patio and i looked to one of my judies like... this is the type of place where we're suppose to be putting ourselves out there! There was this guy, mid-thirties, muscular, dark skin, attractive. So in an effort to try something new, I asked him what he was drinking (knowing damn well i don't like alcohol). I don't remember what he said (blue motherfucker?) but it sparked a conversation that lead to me finding out what he does: Stock broker. Where he went to school: Somewhere in Illinois. What he enjoys: Money and politics. Where he lives: Decatur. When we were leaving he just happened to be walking to his car at the same time... he seemed like he was waiting for me to ask to exchange numbers. I didn't. I figured if its meant to be... I'll see him again (who knows?). But at least I got some more practice in this new area called: Going After What You Want.

Reluctance to Use

2011-04-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

"He’s really well Educated!

So you think: He’s got a strong educational background so he must be schooled in relationships. Or, you really admire and respect him because your father was well educated and an overachiever, or you desire him because your own father wasn’t well educated.

But the reality is: I like well educated guys but it doesn’t mean a damn thing if he mistreats you, it might just mean he’s more clever about it! This is a characteristic that means nothing if it’s not in the context of other great things. Don’t isolate one thing and overlook many other more problematic issues.

He’s a great lover/there’s a lot of sexual tension!

So you think: We have an amazing sexual connection which means we must have a connection which means he must be something really special. If he’s a great lover and gives you more orgasms than you’ve ever had before, you may think that you’re soulmates.

But the reality is: You stick with this reason and you are at the mercy of any man that knows how to work his magic stick but doesn’t necessarily have any substance to him. Remember this: you’re not going out with his penis, you can’t marry it, and they don’t do very much when they are limp. Sex must be part of the relationship equation, not an isolated number.

He goes to church/very religious!

So you think: He’s a churchgoer/very religious so he must have high morals, be ready to get married, and keen to treat you well. He’s a good man.

But the reality is: I’m not knocking people that go to church but the fact that a man goes to church shows…that he goes to church. Do you have any idea how many wife beaters go to church each Sunday? Thieves? Serial Killers? Being religious and going to church is a possible indicator of strong moral fiber and a good person but again, if he doesn’t treat you in a manner that reflects this, it means nothing." -NML

And Possibly Great

2011-04-04T04:15:00.000-07:00

"If you’re the type of person that has sex with expectation (don’t a lot of us?) and isn’t likely to be able to treat it in a casual fashion, don’t have sex with your ex. While you will feel validated in the short-term and it will stem the feeling of the loss and the rejection, when the blinders (and the oxytocin) wear off, this short term pleasure may have longer lasting consequences and set you back." -NML

Paint the Roses Yellow

2011-03-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with a guy that went like this:

Him: "You are an attractive guy... U shouldn't have a problem... plus the culture down here in the ATL, from what I observed, Peeps here really likes Dark Skinned Bruthas :)"

Me: "I'm going to have to disagree with you once again. From my experience... the preference is for boys who are thin and light skin and a lil more on the fem side of things. Cascading star tattoos and fitted caps. Pictures of themselves in plaid button down and pigeon-toed in bathrooms and hallways. There is definitely a prevailing type here and dark skin is definitely not it lol."

Him: "Now, from my experience I will have to state again, & I know you don't agree... Dark skin bruthas get the most attention....at least from my experience... I can agree with the Slim body type here in the ATL... it's seem to be that the preference is Slim to almost dead.... LOL just kidding :) LOL! but yes, slim to maybe medium athletic... I do have friends that are crazy about light skinned boys/guys."

...was what he said to me. I know this color thing is getting pretty old but in the dating world, in my dating, it's still very salient. And i really had to stop and think "Do we live in the same ATL?" But then i wondered if its a generational thing. He's about twice as old as I am and most likely runs in completely different circles. I wouldn't doubt that he was brought up in a moment where things were different. Of course many people will comment say that they don't really care about skin color and/or that its about what's on the inside, and so on. But that's bullshyt. Its important to look at who someone date's as opposed to who they say they're attracted to because the two are often very different.

In my world, the overwhelming majority of my friends have a preference for fair skin. I look at who they add on social network sites and can see a trend. Often times, I find that even if a guy isn't all that cute in the face, if hes the same color a your palms, he's deemed as worthy of getting a picture comment. The body type of choice is often thin to medium build. Who's body's are often swimming in their loose tanks and cropped pants. When did we move from 50 cent to Trey Songz? I always wondered when the New Boyz and Wiz Khlifas of the world began to dominate what the ideal type is. The overwhelming majority of the guys that I've seen and came across here have a preference for what I described above. The photo-shopped. The Skinny Jeaned. The Fitted capped. The Thin Built. The Black Ink on Beige skinned. We are now in what I like to call "The Era of The Versatile Butch Queen"... Welcome!

Whenever I do get approached, it does tend to be the older ones. Going through the lists of all the people who've ever asked for my name and number, a large portion have been in the 30+ set. Its uncommon for me to get approached by someone who is +/- 2 years from my age and I'm often surprised when it happens. It could be because the one's in my age bracket are not the type to approach but i don't really believe that. My view is that I am not the type that the one's my age go for. I'm too dark and too short and too masculine and too muscular. When i do ask what type of guys the people who are interested in me go for... its always the same... "I like slim, short, dark skin boys." So I think when it comes to gay black men in particular, there's sort of like a combination of attributes that we tend to like. For some of my friends its thin, light skin with dreads. For others its tall, light skin, sort of feminine, low hair cut. I have a friend who has a preference for heavy set guys. Another for those who are less attractive than he is. For me its masculine and athletic to muscular build. I'm not really particular about height. Although, through me being short, i tend to get the those on the taller side of things. It's not something I necessarily complain about but just something i notice.

I love testosterone and i feel as though its evident on the types of boys i post pictures off (except this post). There is something about a really masculine guy that is unparalleled to me. I do find that having this preference is often looked down upon by the more "self actualized" gurls ("Are We the Kind of Boys We Want" comes to mind). I do understand what internalized homophobia is. How we can often times downplay those who are on the feminine side of things and label them as 'less than.' We can sit here all day and talk about how want someone who will help us grow, is loving, honest, supportive, caring, etc... which is cute. But none of these things are developed in the weight room or through strict diets or at the bottom of a tub of whey protein or purchased at H&M or caused by putting on the right fitted cap. So what we say we like is not necessarily what we spend our time and energy looking for or trying to be.

I know I've mentioned this before but my friends and I still debate on what it takes to pull one of the uber thugs we see out and about. One theory is that you have to "give that to get that." That they tend to go for guys who are a lot like they are. Sport loving, XXL tee wearing, unclockables. The other theory is that they prefer someone who's their opposite. The disclaimer being: "i like them soft, pretty, and cunt....(thugs not wanted)." They prefer someone who they can be dominant over and who isn't threatening. Who fits that hetero-normative ideal of a "woman" is in this lifestyle. I remember when the drug dealer said to me "I know you're not a woman but you carry yourself like one... so i treat you that way." The jury is still out on that one.

A Bit of Patience

2011-03-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

"This idea that when men fix, heal, and help themselves and realize the potential you’ve projected on them, that YOU will suddenly feel wonderful is Bullshit. It takes more than him changing for you to be happy. In believing this, you place all of the responsibility on an external party for your happiness.

If he changes, he’ll have had to have had something really major happen that switches him from disconnected to connected. What would he do with you then? He’ll want something that reflects his connected, positive life, and that’s unlikely to be you." -NML

Set the Stage

2011-03-13T04:18:00.000-07:00

I joined one of those gay dating sites just to test the waters and try something new. It lasted about 3 days before i figured i got all of what i could get out of it. Pretty much just empty conversation. Pictures of genitalia and hind quarters. I don't understand how people meet someone off those sites. Everyone who hit me up pretty much had the same message on their profiles about looking for friends and not fakes. No Fats, No Fems.

I got into a conversation with one guy about why hes on there. Entertainment was his reasoning.That he doesnt take guys seriously on there and if something were to develop between him and someone else.. so be it. He told me the whole site is pretty much just for sex and not meeting someone to spend the rest of your life with. That ATL is full of men who just want sex and are non-committal. Now, thats something i've heard many times before. But to me, that mentality exists everywhere. I asked if he could name a city, town, or suburb where the residents are all "there are so many quality men to choose from here!" Chicago? Nashville? Houston? L.A.? Nope. So it isn't really exclusive to here. Plus when i hear someone say that ATL has so much to choose from, that its hard to say single.... to me, that's just translates to: "I'M. A. SLUT."

An interesting part of the conversation was about what types of men he dates. He said he doesn't like men who are sexy. He prefers just cute. He says men who are sexy are more likely to cheat because they know they're attractive and so do lots of other people so he isn't only indulging in you. I had to point out that his initially message to me read: "sexii!!" So what exactly are you saying? He seemed like a nice person though. Thought i was very attractive and such. Needless to say it didn't go anywhere. But when he said that, i had to stop and think about all the times a guy has called me that. Lately I've been attracting men who are constantly describing me as 'sexy.' For some that's a compliment. For me, it means they don't see me beyond what I look like naked and underneath them. I don't often get cute or fine or attractive... its often "you are soooo sexy." On friday, one older gentleman came up to me like you sexy and you know it too huh?" Um, sure? "I bet you like gettin' ya' ass ate, admit it. Be honest now." And i put my headphone back in and proceeded to keep walking. "It was nice meeting you." Various men often times nick name me "lil sexy" in text conversations when they're trying to flirt (maybe it's just an ATL thing?).

It makes me wonder what exactly am i giving off? I try to hold myself with confidence but maybe I'm doing it more so from the outside? Relying on my looks to get attention? Could be. I read somewhere:"when you were in your twenties you probably deemed yourself to be ‘hotter’ with plenty of sex appeal, and yet... you were miserable." That if the key factor to drawing in men and KEEPING THEM were your looks, how to get a man would be an open and shut case. Something I'm learning is true. I don't really know how the not-so-cute (read: unattractive) ones do it. You know, the ones who despite their visual shortcomings are capable of snagging the ones they want. There's a mentality there that I don't have and I'm trying to figure out how to manifest. I suppose it's because their looks aren't really the focal point and never have been so they manifest their qualities in other ways.

OR maybe its not me? Maybe its men. They see someone with a certain type of look and place them in a specific box. Like 'oh hes sexy and he knows it... so I'm going to go at him in a way that I'm sure he's used to' Personally, I would never talk to a guy who is super-fine and KNOWS it and shows you that he does. (Strangely I find sun-glasses and a tight v-neck as their ensemble of choice.) They tend to be very put off and not very responsive when you try to talk to them. I don't think I'm like that but I've come across lots of guys who are. They're nice to look at but that's about it. Maybe that guys reasoning had some justification. Maybe i need to stop being sexy and start giving off "wifey."

Somehow?

Damaging Fantasies

2011-03-07T02:24:00.000-08:00

"Be under no illusions, someone’s actions not matching their words is symptomatic of being involved with emotionally unavailable. To persist in blaming yourself for what did and didn’t materialize is to absolve them of their responsibility. People with integrity don’t promise futures to get what they want in the present. Those that actually intend on being around consistently deliver the same personality. They don’t go from 0 to 90 in 60 seconds flat and then revert to another personality. People who do have good intentions are uncomfortable saying that they can be and do more than they’re capable of and will be keen to keep it real with you so you can have a real relationship." -NML

Perennials

2011-02-28T15:05:00.000-08:00

So I met a drug dealer who told me how he wanted to get to know me. Thought i was cute and eventually wanted to make me his. And knew I wouldn't end up with him. Real dark skin. Uber masculine. Tattoos. The kind of guy who you see and make sure you know where your wallet and cell phone are on your person even if he's already passed. I knew he wasn't the type of guy who would yield a positive, healthy relationship. But i wanted to see where it would go anyway. It lasted 7 days. Red flags went up early... SOLD DRUGS... drinks a lot... doesn't have a car (so how much weight are you really pushin'?)... proclaimed himself as crazy... couldn't get my name right... and proclaimed to also be the pimp of about 16 boys. But for that moment in time... i wanted to see where it would go so i played a long. We walked around the city together holding hands by day #5. He began to say "i luv u" and told his parents about me by day #3. He was fast-forwarding our situation right before my eyes and still... i played along.

He did a lot of things i did like. He called and texted all the time. Attentive. Wouldn't smoke around me despite his pack a day habit. When we were anywhere together he would open doors and walk on the outside as not to have me near the street. He thought i was funny. He thought i was interesting. Told me even though I'm not a fysh that he still has to treat me like one. When we were in public I'd see the envy is the other girls eyes. How did he get so lucky? Why did he, this specimen of trade-dom, with his swag and aggressive looks, choose that one? The whole time i wished i could transfer all of these things to someone else. Someone who i knew would not end up in jail (again). Who wouldn't make me feel uncomfortable or scared whenever I was around them. But I don't have a magic lamp. So i went along with it anyway.

He came at my out of nowhere asking if i was an under-crover police or if i was trying to "take him down." Wondering how i could afford such nice things and where is my money really cmoing from alluding to me being a stunt queen. Said his friends had a meeting and they said to "watch out" for me. That i was becoming a distraction. That I could have had something to do with one of his 'workers' getting caught. That he should keep an eye on me. This came totally out of nowhere and i didn't exactly know how to handle it. I called my sister who told me drug busts don't go down in a matter of days. That guys who are big time drug dealers don't tell you what they do "they say they're in business or self employed but they wait a long time before they tell you what they really do." She told me that guys like him are petty thugs who get off on being in control and breaking you down. He was actually a controlling and potentially abusive type and the signs are all there. "He's going to tell you things like you're so different from the other types me met (check), that he's never felt this way about a person before (check), make you feel as though you're the center of the universe (check)." He's been watching you to see how he can break you down. He was probably quiet all the time right? And if you'd ask him what wrong he'd say he was thinking (check and check). The whole time he was testing your reactions. So he came up with a story to try and shake you because he felt as though you might slip away. But it's all bullshit she said. Guys who really like you don't tell you those things right away because they're scared you'll run from them. Everything he tells you are all lies she said. And so the morning after, when he called i told him i don't ever want to speak to him again.

That was a few weeks ago. He's called constantly since then. "Baby i would never hurt you" texts. Voice messages deleted before anyone ever heard them. The nice things he was saying were all lies i reminded myself. All ploys to try and pull me back into the trap of caring for him too much and trying to prove myself... my innocence... to him. He planned the phone call with the accusations. No real dope boy who feels as though you're a threat to him keeps calling you asking for you to come back. He was expecting me to play along as he continued to be suspicious of me.. expecting me to plead with him on the phone to please believe me. He'd probably move to being demanding and emotionally distant and I would have to try and win him back by always being there. It happens a lot to the best of us because they don't educate us on the signs. Not until you've just got off the floor of the showering after a good crying session and you're on the internet looking for a way out. I saw these things early and knew it was time to get out.

I can now say i experienced what it was like to date someone who is in the business of the distrustful. Who made somewhat of a living perpetuating this standard of dominance over people who couldn't control their bad habits. Who made an attempt to draw me into that world and break me down. I know if i were someone else... the nice things he's telling me through screens and receivers.. would have gotten to me. If i were someone else i would have wondered if he were actually being truthful and questioning my doubts about him. Maybe he's different? But he isn't. Its all lies. He makes a living off of being deceitful and would be no different to me. I'm still glad i went a long with it despite knowing it wasn't going to go anywhere I'd want it to. It tested just how strong I am. Showed me my instincts are always correct. There are people out there who want so much for someone to do and say those things and there are men who will exploit it for their own personal gain. The hardest part was staying hopeful that the right guy is out there. That the ones you do want will treat you the same way as the one's who will only bring you unhappiness do when you're in the honeymoon phase. That there are men who are thorny roses... with beauty and prestige... but the capacity of hurting you beneath the skin when all you want to do is hold them.

We need to find different flowers.

Scribbled Down

2011-02-20T04:43:00.000-08:00

"Life is not about how things look contrary to what the world wants to teach us. In the end, we can’t make relationships on words because eventually they come crashing down when actions don’t come along to solidify them. No matter how we try to be perceived, most people work out who we are, what we’ll do and what they can be and do based on our actions." -NML

Justify Your Investment

2011-02-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

"He was phasing me out. And it's so interesting, because everyone knows when they're being phased out even if the guy coincidentally doesn't pick up his phone that day. It's like you know because you feel it."

I remember the first time i realized a guy was pulling away. Well not pulling so much as letting go. I remember the texts and calls became less frequent. I would text things like "Well, i didn't hear from you today... hope u had a great day =)" in efforts to act as nonchalant as possible. Like nothing was wrong. Like i wasn't tearing myself up inside wondering what i had done wrong. I remember when he did call or text it would often be hollow and i would find myself trying to be more funny, more entertaining, more interesting in efforts to try and gain back his attention. His effort and attention went from 100 to about 30 and i began treating his 30 like it was 110. I'd sit there staring at the phone anticipating his responses hoping that they'd go back to their normal frequency. I'd get that collapsed feeling under my skin and in my stomach while obsessing about it... or obsessing about not obsessing about it. I remember thinking he was perfect and something was wrong with me. That I clearly wasn't enough because if i was... he'd be there... like all the way there. I don't look back and ask myself 'how i could have been so stupid?' because no one ever tells you how to deal with those situations. Or at least, how not to deal with them so you aren't expending energy and throwing yourself at someone who's already made up their mind.

I think i had other instances where i did that same thing. Realized a guy was cooling down and in efforts tried to heat things back up for the both of us. Which is when i came up with my 3-day rule (if a guy doesn't call, text, show up, email, snail mail, smoke signal, tie a note to a pigeon and throw it out the window... so much as a "hello", he's gone). I haven't always stuck to it but for the most part it's been pretty standard. I know now that when a guy is cooling off hes managing down your expectations in efforts to make you understand what he's really like. The he doesn't want you to get the idea that the way he was when he was courting you is how its always going to be. It was just temporary. And i should look at who he is in the present as opposed to sitting there hoping he'll go back to the way he used to be.

I learned the quickest way to get a guy to start being the original guy i met was to dangle sex in-front of him. Sending flirty texts with innuendos and smiley faces. Giggling and short moments of silence when you speak to him suggesting you're waiting for him to make the first move. It really does work. Every single time because men love sex and will do whatever it takes to get it. But it won't win him back for the long term. Once he gets what he wants he will immediately go back to the way he was: distant.

Skedaddle

2011-02-04T05:14:00.000-08:00

You think you’re getting back together when he gets in touch with you after you’ve had no contact and you end up spending time together/having sex. He’s thinking ‘we’re hooking up’. In fact, he may not actually have thought at all. The type of guy that gives you brain-ache is the type of guy that’s very much of the moment. He does what suits him. If it suits him to have banana ice cream now and strawberry ice cream in a couple of hours, he will do this. If it suits him to speak to you for a few days and make you feel like the center of his universe and then disappear on you for several weeks, he will do this too.

Synergist

2011-01-29T04:06:00.000-08:00

My friends and I conducted a survey if you will. We asked random guys on Facebook if they preferred to be approached or do the approaching (you may have been part of that survey). Much to our surprise the majority said they would rather be approached. Not all of them, but most. Oh, and the boys who we asked were whom we either knew to be, or assumed to be alpha males. We tried to take into account age and location. But the men we chose varied in those areas. So we sat here and thought... okay... so there's something new. Most men would rather be approached. Does that mean to find Mr. Right we have to be the ones to go up and let him know we exists? Perhaps so.

I'm tired of this whole hands-off approach of waiting for it to happen. "Keep the faith," they said. It's tough to do that when you don't see it happening to too many of us. One guy said it will happen when you least expect it to. He's currently in a long term relationship so who better to ask. So i told my judy... the least likely spot for it to happen is the linen isle of a Williams-Sonoma, grab your coat hoe! We decided that that must be part of the problem. We are all waiting around excepting someone to come up and talk to us and it just isn't going to happen. The next step was to come up with alternatives. I took a trip the the gay bookstore to go find books on dating in the gay lifestyle. Of course the ones i found were not geared towards "my" demographic (trade go to bathhouses?) but they all seemed to say the same thing. The best way to approach someone is the very basic... Hi, my name is... That's it. You could make variations like... "I saw you reading about traveling, could you recommend..." or "This place is always crowded, but I'd rather shop here than.." And read his body language to see if he's interested.

Now that's a toughie because approaching has always been something i would prefer not to do. Not only because of the rejection piece but also because I don't want the standard to be set that i am the one who will be taking the initiative during the courting phase. I don't want to be the one who calls all the time... set up the dates... does all the getting to know. But we talked that through and realized it doesn't have to be like that. We really had to step back and look at this whole approaching thing. It isn't really about being the whole 'who takes the reigns in this situation?' but more so opening up lines of communication. Making it okay for this guy who may or may not be interested to come over and speak. Since what we were doing hasn't worked, we have to try something else. And that something else... is to now walk over to guys, perhaps at Wal-Mart, or in the club, or in a bookstore (do trade read?), or anywhere guys are at... and say "hello, my name is (inset here), seen you around just thought I'd introduce myself." And take it from there. We don't have to exchange numbers right away (Maybe I'll see you again?). Now, at least, we can say that we tried something different in our quest to meet men.

I don't believe these relationships in our lifestyle happen by accident. They didn't just get lucky. There has to be something, some catalyst, that makes it happen for some of us. Chemistry, compatibility, blah blah blah all come AFTER the initial phase. We can barely get there with guys we're interested in (who don't only want you for sex). To find this out we have to start MEETING potential guys first and take things from there. Maybe tonight is the night we start?

Pushy

2011-01-21T08:32:00.000-08:00

"When someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship, or they have limited access to their emotions, or they’re terrified of intimacy and get clammy at the thought of commitment, it doesn’t matter if your love comes in a platinum case with a bow on it promising the sun, moon, and stars – they don’t want it.... Or they only want it on their terms.... They can not and will not ‘appreciate’ what is on offer. It doesn’t matter that it’s you and your love – you could be anyone. Until they resolve their issues, you will not extract a loving relationship from them. And really – why should you have to do the equivalent of pulling teeth or dragging a horse kicking and screaming to water?

That’s not to say that someone not wanting a relationship or turning you down means they have issues. It’s when you get stuck in pursuing them for love and validation or they continue to hang around in spite of their lack of interest or commitment so that they can enjoy the fringe benefits... that is an issue." -NML

Spunk-y

2011-01-14T21:39:00.001-08:00

I finally got it off my chest and told him how i felt. How i always had a thing for him but felt it wasn't reciprocated. And he responded as having an attraction to me but... he didn't know if being with me was the right thing to do. Didn't want to put the friendship at risk he said. He went on to say that he didn't know if we would work. (How so?) Citing that we tend to debate and disagree. "Our convos be interesting.. but its always my idea nd ur idea." In our conversations, I will say i do hold my point of view very firmly. He said he doesn't want someone who always agrees with him.... but hes always 'right.' No sir, I'm always 'right'... I told him.

I knew THAT was the real reason... fuck that ruining the friendship nonsense. Men never mean it when they say that.

He didn't think we were compatible in the relationship sense. To me it sounded like he wanted to be the "man" at all times and i more than likely wouldn't have given that to him. The boys I've seen him date have been that type. The timid.. sort of... not self assured ones. He claims to not always want to be agreed with... which translates in my mind as "i don't want a complete push over" but i feel like he always wants the ultimate decision on everything. It explains why i would have to be the one to essentially ask to come over... and he would give the yay or nay. It was nice to finally know this. To understand now why I always felt like he never really took the initiative in the wanting to be with me process. I knew something existed between the two of us but that something on his end was keeping us from happening. Would we have worked? I told him yeah, I think so. Compromises would have been made obviously but we wouldn't argue. We hold the same values and have our own lives and points of view. We've established a foundation for our friendship. We're sexually compatible and so forth. And even with all of those factors... it didn't matter. We never happened.

The OLD me would have questioned myself. Wondered if i was too head strong. If i was chastising men with my inability to tell them what they want to hear. "Let him be the man" and other phrases of that sort passed down from beta to beta when wanting to keep an Alpha. I felt as though there had to be something I COULD DO to make them be more interested in me. That their lack of a response was due to me not doing something or not saying the right thing that would make them wake up and think 'wait a minute!' I hold certain core values and beliefs and i stick with them. He does the same but would rather be with someone who he knows would allow things to be on his terms at the end of the day. The SANE me understands that it isn't my fault. That I am not responsible for his lack of total interest in me. That if he were really into me, he would have showed more interest. Been more aggressive. Men may not tell you that they're into you but they will SHOW YOU and make sure you are in no doubt about it. "People make space in their lives for the things that matter now" is one of the biggest life lessons I've learned. We're still friends of course... the weirdness will most likely still be there. Making sexual jokes towards each other which is a comment on our mutual physical attraction. However, we've reached a new level of understanding."He's just not that into me... like that..." comes to mind and i think it sums up a lot of what happens when men don't reciprocate interest. It's always nice to be liked by someone... but i also understand that it isn't okay to try and gain the attention of someone who isn't into me.

Its not okay to chase men... who don't want to be caught... by you.

Entrenched

2011-01-12T06:04:00.000-08:00

"Be careful of believing that your sex appeal is your magnet because you will use sex or attention about your appearance for your interactions, and the next thing you know your underwear is spralled out on the carpet and you’re wondering why you feel so empty... Or you feel like you have to be some sort of sexual animal to keep men interested. You then start thinking about building a relationship with them but because the only currency you’ve traded on is your looks and sex appeal, you’ve set the stage for your ‘relationship’ and it becomes relegated to a sex thing." -NML

I Bet On Horses Sometimes

2011-01-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

I think I've figured out what my problem is. This is a long post.

So New Years came and i went to a shin-dig a friend of a friend was throwing. It was cute, a whole bunch of butch queens and other cunts i didnt know. We interacted but I wasn't looking for any long lasting connections. Towards the end of the night one of the hosts of the party came up to me and began conversation. Which led to the famous question "Do you have a boyfriend?" Well, actually it was said "I bet you have a boyfriend." This statement still gets on my nerves because honestly... i cannot get a guy I would be potentially interested in to even get to that point with me. When guys automatically assume i have one, it annoys me even more because it seems like something i shouldn't have trouble with (to them). But i do. So I told him no, i dont know how to get one of those. For the second time that I've been paying attention to the words used to describe me... this one word was used. He then said "Well i don't know why, you're beautiful." He kissed me on my hand... asked for my number... and we kept it moving. And the entire time i was thinking "beautiful?" I'm not beautiful. And then BOOM! It hit me. OMG, I negatives beliefs about myself!? Here he is, giving me a compliment, and I'm brushing it off like an untruth. As if he was telling me the sky is yellow or that Chris Brown is attractive when his mouth is closed (pay attention people!). So far, i get boys telling me that I'm 'so cute' (because I'm short: 5'5) and sexy... but sexy is not a compliment on my planet. It means that they find me attractive enough to sleep with. And men often sleep with lots of things. Sexy doesn't equate to a long lasting, loving relationship.

But the real moment came last night. For the very first time, i went to the club BY MYSELF. And it was AWESOME! No more having to babysit drunk friends. Or worrying about if they're having a good time. Do we have to walk to the bar now or later? Are you going to leave me for the boy who's trying to talk to you? I actually got to stand in a room full of people and do everything i wanted to. And that usually involves dancing for long periods of time followed by standing in a corner and boy watching. I didn't have to worry about men being rude to me because I've come to find that gay black men will stare you down before they grab and try to talk to you. So the trick is to NOT make eye contact. I do get my ass grabbed or being grind up against as I'm walking through the crowd but that comes with the territory. I don't get mad, i just keep walking. I think this one boy (who was actually pretty cute) followed me about the club with his pelvis extended out because the whole time, as he was behind me, that's all i felt. Even when we would stop to let people pass i would feel him behind me... but never like... his chest or shoulders. I mean, I do have a bit of a fatty back there. My friends laugh at me all the time and tell me how big it is and called me 'Big booty judy' for a second (bytches). But i 'think it's big enough for it to be like a bumper between me and men in tight places. I was hit on a few times. "Yo you're a really cute dude"... "thank you" but i never really followed through.

I spent a long time standing and observing men. One of the most interesting points was when i was standing next to one of most gorgeous men in the club. I've seen him before. Light skinned, nice body, model face. Not much taller than me, maybe 5'7. He had on all black. We stood next to each other (about 3 inches apart) for about an hour. He was quiet. Didn't move around much, just stood and looked around. The only way i can describe it he had like a 'ring of fire' around him. There was almost like a force field as he stood next to me that he intended for no one he didn't know to penetrate. He would glace, emotionless, at anyone who got too close. Almost like he was telepathically telling them to GET BACK! A fight broke out near the bar and he bumped into me... he apologized and that was the only moment he actually acknowledged my presence. He did know a lot of people but the one's he knew were on the more attractive side of things. He said never said hello to a fat boy or an ugly boy. Just cute ones. I thought that was so interesting. As if he had a filter for the people who he dubbed worthy of knowing him. Then come to find out he's good friends with a few people from school I don't really care for, and i was completely turned off. This one boy he was walking to though asked him "Did you come here by yourself?" and he responded "I always ride solo." Which, in my mind, probably informs the REST of his life outside of those walls. He does have friends obviously, people he has conversations with and hangs out on weekends. But i bet he's not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in grocery stores or long lines. He probably stands there and mentally fights off all the glares of the men around him who also find him attractive. I wouldn't doubt that he's emotionally unavailable either. I bet he doesn't really talk about how he feels and keeps a lot of things to himself. You probably spend a lot of your time trying to read him if you were together because he would probably give the impression that he doesn't care either way. I could be wrong but... i doubt it. Another really attractive guy at the club was near me as i was standing outside. He was like SUPER FINE!! But as i stood there and listened to him and his friends... all i could think was: Wow, you're low key kind of annoying. Conversations were shallow and corny. Personality-wise... he was wack. But then again, really attractive men don't need personalities. He was still fine but he sort of lost his luster to me after those 5 minutes.

The real moment came when the club was over and everyone was being ushered out. I was standing on the step near the dance floor waiting for the crowd to walk by when i heard someone behind me "Excuse me, lil sexy" ::I don't think he's talking to me:: "Excuse me, lil sexy, can we get by you?" I turned around to see and cute guy, my height, holding on to a drowning fysh (you say drunk) trying to get up the steps. He gets close to me and goes "You're body is cr-azy!"... Huh?... "Thank you." "How many days a week do you workout"... "Um, i don't honestly." "So you came out the womb like that?".... Okay, to be fair. For the better part of my high school years i was a member of a boxing gym and then i did do free weights for a while throughout my college career but as of the last 5 months i haven't touched a gym. So i was like "Well, i guess" He asked to touch my chest... i let him but i warned that i don't really have much of one. He smiled at me and grabbed his fysh and walked through the crowd. I sort of wish we could have at least exchanged names but i guess it wasn't meant to be. I was still focused on his comments. I have had guys tell me about my body before. Another time, i think it was pride, at the same club a guy from new york with a heavy accent put his arm around me and said "ay yo, you're body is god-like"... really?... "yo what's your name?"... I told him my name and what it means and he goes "Naw, it means god." I was extremely flattered because I love boys from New York (that accent gets me weak!). But i still thought, WTF is he talking about? I don't have a body?

And maybe that's it. I don't see what everyone else sees when i look at myself. Maybe I spend a lot of time mentally downing myself and my qualities? There have been themes to the things guys say about me. I mean, I know I'm not ugly but i don't think of myself as "beautiful." Cute, sure, but beautiful are the men who are beyond myself with the amazing bodies, swag for weeks, thin cheeks, high cheek bones, who walk into a room and just know they command it. I'm realizing now that that's not okay. I should think of myself as beautiful. As ONE OF THEM. Because I am. I know it sounds like I'm just blowing myself but these are things people tell you in motivational speeches and uplifting notes. 'You are worth something.' 'You are of value.' And they're meant for you to take them in and make them a part of your psyche. They aren't just things for you to ignore. Dub them as ill-fitting and go back to the less-than-positive view you have put on yourself. It's all true. But as i sat in my prestigious car, with my cute shirt, with glares from men walking by in the parking lot... i realized i need to change. I concluded that i will go out to clubs by myself again and that i obviously wasn't the only one who did so. I thought about the thing the guy said to me as the club ended, along with previous men, and thought... I may not have the body i want (i don't even have abs) but maybe its a lot nicer than i think it is. Perhaps i need a vacation from myself. To get away from the image i see day in and day out and come back and really appreciate everything about myself. I will start working out again though, for sure.

So my problem is when it comes to looks, I always thought of myself as good looking... but I'm realizing now... i never really BELIEVED it.

Spunk

2010-12-31T10:10:00.001-08:00

So there's a guy out there who i know is interested in me. He has been for a few years though we've dated other people. He is nice of course. Cute in an average sort of way. And I feel like a relationship between us would probably work. However, there is a catch (always is). So recently I picked him up from the airport. And went to his new apartment and hung out for a little bit. He's been meaning to invite me over but never has (red flag). So of course nothing happens and he's falling asleep as we watch the top model marathon. I decide to leave and as we walk out he suggest we hang out like this again. Sure, sounds like fun. Only the thing is... he never puts out the invitation. He said it would be no problem for me to come over on HIS off days and all i would have to do is let him know and he would give the yay or nay. Now, Im a firm believer that if a guy wants to hang out with you, he will. He will set a date and a time and hold the expectation than you will follow through. But with him, i would have to be the one to be like... What are you doing? Can i come over?.... every. single. time. I don't believe in that. I don't chase men. I read somewhere that men still like to do things the old fashioned way and think its true. He is the pursuer and you are the pursued. He said to me once that he doesn't chase boys. He's very comfortable being by himself although he has had a few relationships that didn't go anywhere (another red flag).

So the question becomes, do i actively chase someone who has showed signals of being interested although he never fully followed through? A lot of people say yes. To give it a go and see what happens. You can't expect all guys to chase you, sometimes you have to take the initiative. I totally understand that point of view. So i sometimes question if its me. Perhaps I'm the one not sending the right signals. Maybe he doesn't think I'm interested. :::Self Reflects:: Am I? Sort of. But not really. Part of it being his lack of not showing enough... i guess... push.. towards trying to take things to the next level. I don't like men who don't have enough get-up-and-go because i find that I'm usually the one doing everything. I've been down that road and I've requested they block it off. Traffic cones and yellow tape. On the flip side of that though, maybe he's just not that into me. He may like the 'idea' of me. My friends tell me i say that about a lot of guys but sometimes its true. He may just like the fantasy of me and what things COULD be like but isn't really looking for actually seeing things come to fruition. Do i know this for sure? Not exactly, but i read his actions as such. So here we are in this sort of awkward friendship. I think the only way to clear all of this up would be to outright say how i feel. Perhaps soon I'll do it but id rather do it in person. But so far, to me, if he wanted there to be something between us i think he would have went for it. He managed to go for other things. Other opportunities. Other boys. So why would I be the exception?

Lets text him now....

It’s About Him

2010-12-23T09:57:00.000-08:00

"So he said he didn’t want to be in a relationship (with you) and now he’s flaunting his latest.... Usually, the next thought people have is: "How come he’s so happy with them? It must be my fault the relationship didn’t work."

Well, there is no ‘logic’ to why these men do what they do. One thing that is at the heart of it is that if you are a someone that accepts poor behavior from a man because you thinks it shows how much you love him and how willing you are to make the relationship work, you only get penalized for it. The types of men that behave in this manner and watch you accept it recognize that you can’t respect or love yourself enough if you put up with their behavior. On some level they realize that if you want them, something can't be right.

You can't place yourself at the center of their disconnected universe and decide that you are the source of the problem ('its something I've done that's making him this way) or that you're the solution (he just needs the love of a good person like me then...). Even if you sat there and analyzed every conversation, action, flick of the hair, and slip of the tongue over your entire situationship, it’s a waste of your time that will never give you all the answers." -NML

Magic Number

2010-12-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

"Its his loss" is what you say when you get turned down by someone you were interested in. Or maybe when things don't work out and he decides to move on. So how many times do we say that versus the number of times we proclaim that the one we're serious with actually appreciates us? You're amazing. You have so much to offer. You're smart, funny, educated, employed, etc. But he just wasn't interested in any of it. And I think its important that we begin to realize that. It honestly doesn't matter what you have to offer because what you think he wants and needs isn't what he wants and needs. Perhaps we need to stop focusing on setting ourselves up to be whatever he wants us to be?

How many of us are going to the gym to perfect our bodies to "impress" him and embody his sexual fantasies? Making sure we dress up to go grocery shopping because you wouldn't want your potential Mr. Right in the toiletry isle to think you can't put an outfit together. Hair cuts, manicures, and protein shakes. Photo shoots in bathrooms and impromptu portraits taken on trains and in driver's seats to be edited and posted on websites. All the while jumping, waving our arms, and screaming "PICK ME!" How much of what we do is to snag a man who will potentially have the upper-hand and all the say-so? Sure, we're quick to drop someone whom we weren't all that into in the first place. Ignoring phone calls and texts because he wasn't someone you saw yourself with long term. But what about when you do meet that guy who ideally has all that you are looking for. That's who I'm referring to.

How often have we put ourselves and our emotions and our happiness on hold while we wait around for Mr. Right-on-Paper to take the relationship to where we want it to go. I've been there and my poor relationship habits friend is STILL there. We value commitment and marriage and exclusivity and remain idle and compliant thinking he's going to make the decision... even when he isn't making any effort in that direction. We often begin to question whether or not we are good enough. It's a tough thing to admit but everyone does it. Sifting through all of your good and bad qualities and wondering which one of those is putting him off. So we often times change... lower our expectations of him... don't call as much... do things that won't make him angry... all the while hoping that he wakes up and treats you how you want him to. But does that ever happen? I'm my experience, no. We still behave this way though. We dress ourselves up like a show pony and yet it may not be enough. Most of the time, it will never be enough. In my opinion, i think men are beginning to choose partners who they know they'll be able to manage down their expectations. The one's they choose may not be the most attractive, best dressed, most successful, and so on... but they're a human transformer; capable of basing their life around them. Who will put up with their less-than-friendly behavior as he keeps the relationship in a comfort zone of "5" in 1-10 scale. He’ll say just enough of whatever you want to hear to shut you up and buy himself some peace and quite for a while and then it’ll be back to same sh*t, different week.

Not being the right person for someone is most definitely not your fault. You are amazing. You have a lot to offer. You're smart, funny, educated, employed, etc. However, if someone doesn’t want to be committed or views any quality you have as reasons not to be/stay with you, they will behave as they like, irrespective of whether or not they're with the 'Most Perfect Person on Earth'.

Ah, I’m in Prison…

2010-12-11T03:58:00.000-08:00

"There are some guys out there that like nothing more than to play cat and mouse with you. They get a kick out of reeling you in, wining, dining, and maybe even sixty-nining you…only for them to stop calling, being obnoxious, or just plain ignoring you. But they can’t commit, whether it’s to being with you…or without you. You ask them to step up to the plate and be with you properly and they flake out and start protesting how they’re not ready. So you walk away and they keep calling you periodically, emailing, and texting, never quite getting out of your life. They are very focused on short term benefits. They get sex and attention without casting an eye to the future and how they are screwing with your mind. They’re not sure they want you but they don’t want anyone else to have you so they hog up your life and keep you as an option whilst trying to ensure that you think of them as your only option.

Men that turn on the 'Hot and Cold Tap of Attention' have limited attention spans. This inconsistent behavior means that as long as you’re with him, you are thrown into a cycle of inconsistency as you deal with the drama, the highs and lows, and the uncertainty. They are quick out the gate in hot pursuit but as soon as they feel like they don’t have to chase anymore, you lose your shiny exterior. There is no incentive for them to throw all of their energy at you. Because they blow hot and then cold, when you call them on it, they either quickly start blowing hot, or tell you stop being so needy. Often they refuse to acknowledge their poor behavior. Because they blow hot, when they blow cold you don’t acknowledge what that means, and instead focus on the fact that you know that they’re capable of blowing hot.

If you stick around a man that blows hot and cold, eventually he gets the message that he can do what he likes because you'll still be there. There’s no more ‘hot’ then…it’s just luke-warm or cold as ice."

Your thoughts?

Varmint

2010-12-04T12:52:00.001-08:00

"Excuse me!" shouts the small, black woman.

::looks around::

"Who? Me?"

"Come here!" she says as she waves me over.

::walks over::

"Are you gay?"

"Yeah"

"OMG! Do you wanna hang out? You wanna go shopping?!"

"I'm not even into clothes like that"

"Omg i love gay people... we should hang out sometime. I know this must be weird for you."

"I have to go, but if i see you again, sure"

I couldn't even get mad at her. I figured she was just going off of what she sees on the television. We are not represented very well, especially gay black men. She was bold enough to ask me that in the middle of the mall so i wasn't going to be rude. I told her i wasn't into clothes despite working in a clothing store. I'm really not into fashion beyond an occasional "oh that's cute" towards things i see in passing. She wasn't a pretty girl. Small with stubby features and a wrap around her hair. I don't really like heterosexual fysh because they often see us as accessories. Toys an purses even. Things to wield around to get advice and tips from. Introduced as "my gay friend." Push a button and we spit out gay catch phrases of "gurl" and "bytch" and "honey" and are often very open about sexuality. Many of my judies live for fysh, bring them to gay clubs and get extra feminine around them. Tell them how pretty they are and how nice their outfit is. I will admit i do it too, but in moderation. Compliments only come out if its really warranted.

I often times feel like they don't take our lifestyle seriously. They know we like men, but they don't actually picture us on dates. They don't picture us getting hit on while walking down the street the same way they do. They don't picture us having boy problems and complaining to our other gay friends about how much boys suck. They especially don't picture these things happening with men who look and act like the heterosexual ones they interact with. But a relationship exists between our species. I notice the same isn't true for heterosexual men and lesbians. I find them to be often anti-men and understandably so. I will admit I'd rather hang around the other homosexuals than straight women. Even the super cunt ones who many "discreet" homosexuals shy away from. I find a kinship exists when we are together. A lot of our stories and experiences tend to be the same when we're open about them. I know that we don't get a long and our relationships can be rocky and shady and messy and such... but when they aren't... they're often very nurturing and supportive. Heterosexual women are nice if you're into that sort of thing. But I don't want to hang around them if they look at me like a (boy expert/sex crazed/ fashion police/ultra feminine/shoulder-to-cry-on-and-an-ear-to-listen-to-all-their-problems) pet.

100:100

2010-11-28T08:05:00.000-08:00

"You need to be your authentic whole self for a relationship, not half a person doing things in the context of what they think is their share. ‘Oh I’ve done this, so I’ll wait for him to do that’. You’re not being authentic – you’re doing things based on the other person not on you and you’re not being and doing wholeheartedly and you are keeping score. You’re saying ‘Well I am this, this, and this, so I know I’m doing my half and they need to step up and do theirs.’

You cannot split relationships like your splitting who pays what on a date.

Hopefully, if you’re conscientious person living authentically, you’ll put full effort into your job and not only wait to put in effort when others do. 50% is always half. It doesn’t become 100% because someone else is there beside you, and that certainly won’t happen if the person Has inflated the idea of what their contribution is and thinks that their 10% is 50% ." -NML

Sign Posts of Strictly Wanting S.E.X. out of Y.O.U.

2010-11-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

"1. He doesn’t want to do anything that involves talking to each other properly unless it leads to sex. (Try having a conversation with him that reeks of two people in a ‘normal’ relationship and note his patent discomfort. )

2. He doesn’t want to try to get to know your personality. (A lot of the conversation is surface and that it tends to serve the greater purpose of making you feel comfortable enough to have sex.)

3. He tries to do more than a kiss on the first date. (Guys that really do like you can keep their penis in their pants for at least one evening)

4. He expects something in return for taking you out to dinner and paying for the meal. (There are guys that think: paid for date = getting laid that night. This is not much better than treating someone like a prostitute)

5. He is sexual towards you. (That ‘He just can’t help himself because he’s so into me’ syndrome. He’s not into you, he’s into the idea of sex with you. Not the same thing.)

6. He seems to call only when it’s 1) dark, 2) late and 3) to arrange when to have sex. (Relationships based around sex don’t progress past this.)

7. He tells you! ("I just want to have ‘fun’ and aren’t looking for a relationship" When a man says this, instead of rationalizing and hoping that he will change his mind after the event, don’t and move on.)" -NML

Without Conditions

2010-11-12T03:25:00.000-08:00

"Every single time you accept things that are fundamentally outside of your values and cross your boundaries, you tell that person that in this relationship, with you, their behavior is OK and acceptable – this becomes their new normal and the baseline of what they feel they can do and be in the relationship. Boundaries are there to protect you. They’re called self-respect. But when they’re a fortress around you, they are your means of keeping people out and not allowing yourself to be vulnerable. They’re not healthy boundaries. Respecting yourself... shouldn’t feel like punishment."

Entry-Level

2010-11-05T22:01:00.000-07:00

So this older gentlemen who introduced himself to me at a club last week text me today. Conversation went through the 'how are you?' motions and him telling me more about himself... (Accountant/ Lawyer. Hates pickles. Recently got into the lifestyle... and by recently i mean 6 months ago). The best part is when he proceeded to tell me why he was interested in me in the first place. The text read:

"...But i like the way you carry yourself, the way you look.... and so on."

::screeching tire noise:::

AND SO ON?????????

Its like he didn't even try to make something up. Minimal effort. If you can even call that effort? Well, he did have to physically type that with his thumbs. I wonder if boys prior to me have fallen for that? Maybe they just ignored it. I wanna chalk it up to cultural differences (he's Nigerian) but that's no excuse for laziness.

*sigh*

Over it.

Delete.

-_-

Not a Dream

2010-10-30T05:32:00.000-07:00

"You shouldn’t have to emotionally or literally commit to someone you hardly know. There is a reason why you were not interested and while sometimes we get things wrong, it’s important to assess why you weren’t interested rather than just letting yourself be swept along." -NML

Oil on Canvas

2010-10-24T18:24:00.000-07:00

An artists who's job it is to create beauty depicting men who look like me made a comment about my outward appearance. We were standing in a crowded patio filled with guys who were there to see and be seen. He standing in front of me with a look that said he saw something he liked and approached me. I didn't know it was him until he told me his name. I was starstruck and wasn't afraid to show it. Groupie moment with hands cupped over mouths and breathing being limited. We danced and exchanged thoughts and digits. Kisses and bites on the back of necks. He told me he wasn't a good dancer and i didn't mind because i normally do all the work anyway. We danced for a few songs before he wanted to get another drink. He told me not to judge him as some sort of alcoholic. "I don't wanna be like, that guy, you know?" I kinda did. He was only here to speak at a museum about his work which means he wasn't staying in town for long. I knew this surreal moment in my existence was temporary as with most borderline fantasy situations. I was grateful that i had a friend there to witness something that tends to happen when myself and others like me are alone. I think this is why the camera phone was invented. To capture moments which tend to be though of as make-believe. His interest in me made me wonder if he does this sort of thing often. Was there something particularly appealing about me that stood out from the many men in the other square footage of that place? Perhaps. I will say it as destiny for me to meet someone who's work i spend time admiring. Right clicks and "Copy/Pastes." His opinion of me carried more weight than those of guys past because he is some who who creates art as opposed to just looking at it. A creator amongst the generated. Random and coincidental flew out the window and meant to be walked through the narrow entrance with a $10 fee. He asked if i had a boyfriend. I responded to him with a simply "no." He wondered why not and i said i can't seem to get a guy to look at me in that way. I told him i spend my time pushing away men who are only after sex and things of that sort. And then he said it: "well i can see why... you're beautiful".

I died.

But He Said...

2010-10-20T19:41:00.000-07:00

"There are times when we need to recognize that if everyone told us the whole truth and nothing but the truth, they wouldn’t get to take advantage and do what suits them. A guy who doesn’t want to endanger losing his casual sex buddy and the security blanket of knowing that there is at least one person out there that wants him, especially if he hasn’t lined up someone else to leap to, isn’t going to burn all of his bridges by being truthful about his feelings towards you. " -NML

Adjust Your Yardstick

2010-10-15T03:05:00.000-07:00

I still think about the most significant ex and think of what it would be like if we were still together. By now my time would be spent at his place as i waited for him to come home. He's relatively neat so instead of cleaning i'd have sat and watched T.V. or went on his computer and looked through what type of porn he enjoys because... i'd honestly like to know. We may have been on a few trips by now... off to log cabins or hotel rooms in cities I'm unfamiliar with. We'd have ate at various restaurants around the city. Compromises would have been made about where because he loves to eat and I'm not all that big on food. Weight gain would have been in there somewhere because from what I've seen... that's a side effect of being a happy couple.

I would have been there to congratulate him on his promotion although I'd question if that's what he wants to do for the rest of his life. It isn't. I know for a fact though that i would have never went with him to his church. One because i don't believe in that and two... that would be the thing he gets to do by himself. Everyone in a relationship needs activities that are separate from their partner. You need hobbies and activities that are spent thinking about you and what you like. He could have it. I know i would still be going out with my friends often. Maybe that would have been my activity? We're pretty big on the club thing. Not just for the music... but mostly for the boys. He'd get all defensive when we're out in public and boy takes interest in me. I remember the time he "playfully" shoved a mutual friend of ours who had a slight thing for me in the middle of the conversation we were having. I was completely embarrassed and apologized endlessly (to said friend). I don't think we would have argued much even though he believes he's always right. I wonder if i would have finally met his mother? Perhaps not. And that's okay with me.

I remind myself that things ended for a reason. That if he wanted to be together, we would be. I see his face pop up on social networking sites and wonder what he's going through. I know he's unhappy. Still getting over his stint as a heterosexual with a women on her way to getting her Ph.D. Her best friend had a feeling he was a homosexual and asked my judy to confirm randomly in a restaurant. He didn't. But there were probably enough red flags to indicate something was wrong. I do know he's still the same selfish person he always was. He was in no way perfect when we were together. I sort of fantasize about the idea of him i suppose. The type of guy i thought i could get out of him if i stuck around long enough. I know now that that isn't possible. That men don't change overnight. Not without hitting rock bottom or having the earth beneath them shift. Things would have been nice between us though. At least i think so. This is part where I say i will have these moments with someone more worthy of my time. That this sort of attractive, attentive, loving, caring, respectful man is out there waiting for me. That i will find him. Happily ever after.

...yeah.

No Snowflakes

2010-10-07T21:40:00.000-07:00

"Surface attraction (i.e. looks) propels hooks ups, initial dating, dating online, and other short term exploits, but looks will only take you or your mate so far. I should add that this is the same for boys that go out with a man purely because he has a big dick. After a while no matter how big it is or how great it works, if that is the only part of him that has any substance, the attraction will wain."

A Rainy Day in the Future.

2010-09-30T09:03:00.000-07:00

We got into a discussion about change. One of them with the poor dating habits feels as though if he finally lets go of the cheating asshole he was with... it will trigger said asshole into realizing he lost "a good thing" (him) and will want to change and be the guy my judy wants him to be. I know that's crazy. But to them, they believe people do change. And its not that i don't believe they dont, i just know it takes something close to a near death experience in order for that to happen. Then theres the really attractive guy he used to deal with who basically told him he doesn't want a serious relationship. That he honestly just wanted sex from him among other things like an ego stroke and someone to complain to... which my judy did gladly. He holds on to this one because he believes that maybe one day, this guy will wake up and realize how great my friend is and get down on one knee. It hasn't happen yet, and I'm 100% sure it will never happen. Not if my friend continues to be the way he is in losing himself in order to accommodate the relationships that do (or don't) come with them. Now of course there are possibilities. Lottery winners and miracles and other chance happenings. Those are all exceptions and i don't believe its healthy to wait around for them.

"So do you think (Mr. Really attractive) is going to wanna marry you one day?"

"He said he doesn't want to marry a guy"

"Wait, meaning he wants to end up with a woman?"

"Yeah"

"But you're not a woman"

::silence:::

"So him not wanting to end up with a man means he doesn't want to end up with you"

"I guess so?"

"No... that's a YES!"

Maybe people call it negativity or cynicism but I'm very aware that men follow patterns. I know when a guy says something like "I don't want to end up with a man one day"... and you check your underwear and see a penis... that statement INCLUDES YOU. You shouldn't have to wait for a guy to realize how great you are. Men who genuinely want to be with you already know you are and wouldn't do anything to jeopardize losing you. I was talking to a guy who repeatedly canceled plans HE MADE and gave an excuse right afterward. This was within about 2 weeks of when he first introduced himself to me. I realized that if hes doing this sort of behavior this early... he will continue to do it as long as I keep him around. I won't be able to get upset later about his repeated bad behavior because he threw up those red flags early. I wasn't going to sit around and wait for him to change who he is for me because i know that would have been a really long wait. I don't believe in putting myself, my feelings, my happiness, my life... on standby... for a man. This assumption that we must stand by men is incredibly dangerous, because in teaching us to stand by them, the expectation is on us to do the hard work and commit whilst waiting for them to decide.... if.... they’re even going to catch up and join us at all.

Elusiveness

2010-09-26T07:53:00.000-07:00

"Be careful of the games that you play in relationships... like making yourself seem unattainable so that you can trigger their desire to want to be with you. You can manipulate a man into chasing after you (intermittently), but you can’t manipulate him into love. But why do we need to play games to provoke desire in a man and exactly how long are we going to play games for? How long can we sustain it? There is advice out there that should be listed under “How to Drag out a Halfhearted Relationship beyond its Sell-by Date” and “Act like someone you’re not to get a man to marry you so you can divorce him two years later because you realize he isn’t all that.” So the question becomes... do we still feel the need to trick men into commitment?"- NML

Shortcomings

2010-09-19T17:43:00.001-07:00

I saw him again. Mr. Ideal. He was on his phone and i could tell he was talking to the boyfriend. He was walking slowly and his voice was low. Slight smile on his face. I saw him before he saw me. But i didn't get that "OMG, OMG, uh oh" sick-to-your-stomach feeling you get when you see an Ex or a guy you've had relations with who you haven't gotten over yet. I'm not saying i wasn't nervous (because i was) but i was more on the calmer side of things. I wondered if he was going to walk over and say something because i sure as hell wasn't. I pretended to be doing something on my phone and i noticed he saw me. He proceeded to walk this way and that until eventually he walked over to me and stuck his hand out. I followed the hand up the arm to the face and pretended to be surprised to see him. We looked each other in the eyes and shook hands... and then he went on his way. It was one of those fleeting moments where you look back and wonder 'was that it?' And it was. His life does not stop for me and as much as i would have liked it to because he is tied to that pedestrian of a long distance thing he calls his buddy (seriously).

Here I am, wondering what life would have been like if i would have met him first. If he would have chosen me as his main squeeze or would he have still looked at me as a sex object? We don't have time machines or magic crystal balls to look into and explore alternative endings. All we can do it just go along with time because it keeps going even if we're standing still. But i believe people make space in their lives for the things that matter. If i were someone whom he'd want to spend lazy Sundays with or sit on the phone and listen to exchanges of breath through receivers... we'd be doing just that. We tell ourselves that we will one day find forever. He even told me that one day i will find it (omitting ' but not with me'). Just have to wait for him to just fall out of the sky or bump into us by accident or hit us up on the internet or stare at us from across a crowded room or... something. I did meet him and he can't be the only one of his kind. There has to be others. Men who are perfect for me who are not spending their time being perfect for someone else. "Meant to be" does not mean "Meant to be..... passed by the one who was right for you"

.... unless that part was somehow left out.

blindly

2010-09-16T20:38:00.000-07:00

"When it’s the first time that you’re taking them back, it’s a leap of faith. Once you’ve already broken up, if you get back together for the wrong reasons, you can then end up being scared about questioning or discussing things or creating ‘conflict’ for fear of breaking up again. You remember how hurt you felt and totally forget about the reasons why you weren’t together. You decide that because you don’t want to feel that pain again, you end up sacrificing yourself in order to maintain a relationship on someone else’s terms."

Machismo

2010-09-12T07:15:00.001-07:00

I'm obsessed with attractive men. I really think so. I always feel like i have this radar that every time one is around my spidey-sense tingles and i scope him out. Staring at, gawking at, talking to, talking to, getting to know, listening to, drooling over... all of it... never gets old. EVER. I'm a lover of men which is not the same as the lover of sex. A lot of these boys love sex. They look at men and think what sort of ways they can bend them or be bended over. Stroke game. Head game. That's all that matters. I'm a bit different. I like masculinity. I like the actions of men. I like the one handed lean they all seem to do when holding on to their steering wheel. I'll break my neck trying to get a glimpse through limo-tinted windows. I like the way their sweat pants fit so loosely... but not so loosely. I like the way they slouch in chairs and text on phones. I like the way they walk down a street with no particular destination in mind. I like the way they interact with each other when they're being themselves. Rapping their favorite verses on street corners. Leaving minimally furnished apartments in a white tees, fitted caps, basketball shorts, and Jordans and still look better than any fysh who took hours to get ready.

I like when they're simple and don't talk all the time. "How's everything going sir?"..... and their only response is "I'm aite." Maybe adding a shrug or slight raise of an arm. Confidence. Weekly haircuts. Gym time. Secure. Basketball or football with friends in familiar neighborhoods on dimly lit streets. The jokes they make in the boyish type of way that you chuckle at and add an "you're so stupid" as you shake your head. But you laugh though, even when it's not funny. The utter lack of self consciousness because their attractiveness is just as natural to them as breathing.

I wonder sometimes if these things are healthy qualities to be a fan of. We have a tendency to place value on secondary things (looks, cars, jobs, swag) in hopes they translate into primary ones (committed, honest, fidelity). Often times they don't though as we're left vying for their attention or trying to prove ourselves. Hoping that they'll see how much we want them and in turn make them want us just as much if not more. It always seems as though you end up with someone who's totally different from the things you tell yourself you like. The nerd in the front of the class who calls you everyday because your emotionally unavailable jock treats you like a doormat. Are attractive men really incapable of providing the same committed and involved relationships as their not so cute counterparts? Have they had men throw themselves at them for so long that they don't see a reason to settle down exclusively? Is that how life works? T.v. tends to tell us so. So should we take everything on the lists of likes and dislikes and remind ourselves that we're going to end up with the complete opposite? I don't want to end up like that. My prince charming, in a wife beater and Nike flip flops, is out there somewhere sitting on twenty-two inch rims as i type this. Or has destiny paired me with a guy who is he sitting in a cubicle, or on public transit, in his polo shirt and smart phone, with some niche magazine subscription in hand?

Dodgy Packaging

2010-09-07T20:22:00.000-07:00

"Bad Boys confirm that we are not good enough.

Bad Boys create the drama that we think is supposed to be part of relationships by giving fleeting highs, plenty of lows, and never quite letting us know where we stand.

Bad Boys take the spotlight off us so that we get to focus on how bad they are and what they’re doing to ruin the relationship.

Bad Boys make us want to try harder to win them over by providing a challenge.

Of course when we don’t ‘win’ we determine that there must be something wrong with us."- NML